Alright 2014, here we go!

Happy New Year everyone! I trust that you all had a safe NYE and a nice holiday season (the season of misery and obligation for many!). I have been grappling with my plan for 2014 for awhile now. Do I set resolutions? Well I have been doing that for years and every year it is the same thing, I lose my steam a month in. Do I continue on my goal to lose 100 pounds? I think that will always be something I am working on in the background but I don't want it to be my focus anymore. The scale can suck it! A few days ago, I came across this very cool meme that really resonated with me:

I LOVE this idea because it is like setting intentions for the year versus setting resolutions. All you have to do is keep this in mind and just TRY. Try to do better every day. While what I posted above was awesome, I wanted to take it a step further and personalize it. I know what I need to work on, now more than ever, so making a list like this made sense to me. Mine isn't as pretty but I am going to post this everywhere!

 

 

I am hoping I can get this made into a nice looking 8.5 x 11 so I can put it in my office, my bathroom, our family room and my wallet. It addresses all of the areas in my life that I NEED to do better. I don't have to be perfect but I need to try harder every day. My next blog post will be discussing how I am going to make some of this happen but for now, I am going to absorb as much as I can. 

EMPOWERMENT

If I was to look for a word to describe 2013 it would be EMPOWERING. While it definitely wasn't all roses, there were a lot of successes that we experienced as a family. We had decided that Jon was going to stay home with Aidan. We were so stressed about the financial consequences of this decision but we did it. We managed to go down to one income while doubling our mortgage and taking on a new car loan and we are still floating above water. We realized that we didn't need any more stuff. That meant no birthday gifts for one another, no Christmas gifts except for the wee one. Hand me downs for Aidan and consignment store shopping for me. No expensive dinners out and we went to the cottage in October rather than during peak times. We had to make concessions but it was so worth it to have Jon be able to stay home with the little man. This was a huge success for us.

Going back to work for me was something I was looking forward to. I admire stay at home parents so much but I don't think I am cut out for it. I love my job and the people I work with and for. Going to work every day is something I look forward to (not to say that I don't have THOSE days, I do). I was blessed to be given a promotion so I will be starting 2014 as "Marketing Manager" which is very exciting! This will bring new challenges but also new opportunities. I am proud of myself as I always told myself I was not a creative person. I have no marketing degree or formal training but over the past few years I have seen my creativity flourish. Now I proudly include "creative" in the language I use to describe myself.

Now that I have found my niche, it is Jon's turn. Being home with Aidan is a blessing and we hope to continue until he is in school full time however there will come a time when Jon has to return to work. I hope that over the next few years he can decide what he wants to do going forward and find something that will make him as happy as my career makes me. That may include taking some courses or going back to school. It may be owning a business. Whatever it is, it is his time to discover it. I am excited to see what the future holds for him and our family.

This year has also empowered us as parents in that Aidan is still alive and kicking! Both Jon and I wondered if we were cut out for this whole parenting thing and it seems that we are doing a pretty good job. Aidan is a delightful little guy. Nope, he is not talking yet. Nope, he is not counting or pointing to his nose. Yes, it kind of has me freaked out but I know he is just perfect the way he is. He will do things in his own time and it is not something that is determined by our "good" or "bad" parenting skills. Kids thrive in spite of us. He is the best thing either of us have ever done and we can't wait to see all of his firsts.

I feel that this year has empowered us as a couple. We have been through so many life changes, some good, some not so much. We trust each other to the core. We love each other even when we don't like each other. We believe in one another and in our family. We share common goals and values. We are not perfect but we are perfect for each other.

Last but not least, I feel empowered as a flawed human being. I have "failed" in a very public way with this blog. I set a lofty goal and fell very short of reaching it. Failure is a harsh word but it is true in this case. I did NOT lose 100 pounds in 2013. What I find so empowering is that I am OK with it. In fact, I am feeling pretty darn good about the whole situation. I have grown, I have not let this unravel or embarrass me and the coolest part, I feel like I may have empowered others to try. I will sign off with a quote from Winston Churchill (my grandmother would be proud) and look forward to continuing this journey in 2014.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

Lessons Learned

I can't believe that in 3 days it will be January 1st. Needless to say, I have not lost 100 pounds this year. I think I will be lucky if I am down 1/4 of that after all of the holiday treats. Even if the weight is not gone, all is not lost. I have learned A LOT this year. A lot about myself, a lot about others and a lot about how I want to live my life moving forward. These lessons are more valuable than any number on the scale. Today I am going to share some of what I have discovered over the past 362 days. I may get it all out in this post or I may have to continue tomorrow, regardless this is a time for retrospection.

What I have learned this year:

1) I am not alone. My weight has always felt like a burden I carried on my own. When I began writing my blog, I realized that hoards of people struggled in the same ways I did. People who I would look at and think that they looked perfect, they struggled as much as I did. Whether someone had 200, 100, 20 or 2 pounds to lose, it was a big deal to them. Their journey may be different from mine but the feelings and struggles were often the same. I would never wish issues like this on anyone but it has been comforting knowing I am not alone.

2) I am so much more than the number on the scale. At the end of the day, no one but me ever has to see that number and if I so choose, I never have to see it myself again. It is just that, a number. A measurement of my mass, not my worth. I am a mother, a manager, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am funny, smart, sexy, kind, altruistic, sensitive, temperamental and a bit of a bitch sometimes. I am fat and that is okay because it is only one very small part of what makes me, me.

3) I tend to put others before myself. I have read this blog from beginning to end and something really stood out to me, I lost my way in May. What happened in May? Well, we brought a friend into our home who had fallen on tough times. Someone who my husband didn't even know and who is still living with us now. At the time, I did what I thought was right for him but in that impulsive decision, I put what was right for my family and I on the back burner. Having someone living under your roof for 8 monthes is stressful. As he got his life back together again, ours started to fall apart. I am not blaming him at all but it made me see that I made a poor decision. Part of me thinks that taking on that "project" allowed me to stop focusing on my own. Wouldn't be the first time.

4) I am impatient, impulsive and very hedonistic. Those may sound like bad character traits but they are mine. One of the things that I wanted to do through this process was to pick a path and stay the course. White knuckle it through the hard times where I wasn't experiencing success with the end in mind. I wanted to overcome my impatience, impulse control issues and pleasure seeking behaviour but why? Those traits have caused me to take risks, push myself to do better, enjoy life and all of its delights. They are part of what makes my personality the way it is, they are part of why I am successful in many areas of my life, they are part of me. I have grown to kind of dig them.

5) If I don't lose another pound ever, I am going to be OK. I still want to get some of this weight off for many reasons. I am going to continue working on this goal but I am at peace with the idea that I can be large and still be healthy. I have done a lot of research this year about health at any size and realize that my goal has to be HEALTH not THINNESS. I am working on this inch by inch.

That's all I have in me for today. It has been a hell of a week but I will write more in the next day or so. Thank you to everyone for your support and kindness this year. I hope you have learned some things about yourself through this process. xoxoxo

Over Fed, Under Nourished...

I firmly believe that most overweight people are severely malnourished. This isn't solely due to their diet, although for many it is a diet of nothing but brown and white....bread, meat, potatoes. It also has to do with how an overweight body processes food, absorbs nutrients and even how it produces them itself. For example, being overweight seriously impedes vitamin D absorption.....malnourished. Overweight people have different bacteria in their gut that may not effectively manufacture B vitamins....malnourished. They are more likely to suffer from candida overgrowth which can lead to absorption issues....malnourished. I know for myself I have been  over fed and under nourished my entire adult life. 2 weeks ago I started on a new path of eating and I am starting to feel WELL nourished.

I told you all before that I am working with a lovely nutritionist Nanda. 2 weeks ago today I started on a new journey, a journey that will put me back in touch with myself and start to heal my relationship with food. The first 2-4 weeks are all about detoxing some of the "bad" stuff out of your system in an effort to understand the effect that certain foods have on you. It has been interesting and I have been pretty damn good. Things I am supposed to eliminate:

• Artificial sweeteners of any kind  Haven't touched the stuff
• Wheat and gluten  I have been pretty good...there was that one pizza night and a company party at which I had one roll but I stopped at one roll and to me that is success!
• Coffee  Hardest thing for me to give up but I did it for a full week. The last week I have had 5 coffees in total which is a far cry from my 3 or 4 daily before. When I get stressed I crave to the point that I NEED coffee...can anyone say adrenal burnout?
• Dairy  Outside of the fated pizza and the cream in my coffee I have gone without dairy and I think my skin is loving me for it even though I am still detoxing.
• Refined sugar  Well Halloween did happen so I had a bit of chocolate and then I did have a small blizzard the other night.....hmmm better add that to the dairy list as well.
• Processed foods  Outside of my confessions above I have had zero processed foods.

Ok so I haven't been perfect but perfect is not the goal. I am thinking about what I am eating but not obsessing. I am no longer on autopilot. I am not a slave to the scale (although I did sneak a weigh in today and I am down about 8 pounds!). Nanda said something to me that made perfect sense. She said "Crowd out the bad foods" meaning eat so much of the good stuff that there is little room left for the bad stuff. That is EXACTLY what I have been doing. I have been eating veggies and fruit every colour of the rainbow, I have been drinking a super nutritious shake every breakfast instead of drinking two coffees, I have been eating sprouts and kale and squash, I have been drinking a whack load of water, I am eating beans and chia seeds.I am taking a handful of supplements but only taking what my body requires. I am taking fish oils every time I eat. I am cooking from scratch. Basically...

 I am nourishing the shit out of this body of mine!!

I feel energetic, I feel balanced and I feel lighter than I have in years. My focus has changed from weight to health and even though I have said that more times than I care to admit, I feel like this time I mean it. The 8 pounds I have lost excited me but the fact that I am not crashing in the afternoon excites me even more. Still have lots of work to do but I am on my way, one kale chip at a time.

Bear with me, I have been hibernating!

I don't know what it is about the last month but I seem to be in hibernation mode. No motivation to go out and do stuff, napping/sleeping as much as possible and eating like a bear! I have been craving comfort foods like crazy. Sweets, bread and pretty much anything with pumpkin in it! Unfortunately I haven't been fighting the cravings, I have been giving in. I know I have put weight on, I can feel it in my clothing. I haven't weighed because I am too scared and I am not going to. I have defined myself, my happiness and my success for too long based on the number on that scale. F#$K IT!

Interestingly enough, I am feeling "ok" about things. I am disappointed that I haven't gotten as far in this journey as I wanted but I have made some HUGE improvements in other areas, mainly in my thinking. I have a greater understanding of why I am the way I am than I ever have through all of the research I have done for the blog. I "get" PCOS and how difficult it makes things (difficult but NOT impossible). I "get" that losing weight will not make me happy. If I am not happy with all of the blessings I have, there is a deeper problem going on. I also "get" that 30 years of weight issues and dieting cannot be undone in a year.

I had mentioned I am going to be working with a Holistic Nutritionist and while we haven't gotten into the nitty gritty yet of a program, I had my initial consult with her last week. I have known Nanda for 5-6 years and respect her greatly but all that said it was VERY difficult for me to realize I needed outside help. Asking for it was even harder but I knew it had to be done. I had seen a sign (or a meme on her darn facebook wall) and it was like it was talking to me. I am so glad I did. First thing she did was send me some emotional work to do and boy did she cut to the meat of it right away:

"Who are you without your attachment to your weight issues and the humour you use to protect yourself?"

Holy shit Nanda! It took me a few days to even look at it but when I started writing it was life changing. My weight is my "story" and my humour is my "tool". Now I am not really self-depreciating in my humour, I like to think I am pretty witty to be honest, but it is a tool I use to hide how I am truly feeling sometimes. When I stripped those two things away, I was surprised what was still there. I am not going to go into it all here but I realized all the things we never say because it sounds conceited. Things like I am smart, creative, a natural leader and altruistic....all things on my list I am proud to say. I also realized that there are areas that I have real doubts about my abilities like as a mother, daughter or wife. But I realize now that I am doing the best I can with where I am right now and that is good enough. In fact, that is the message I walked away with:

If nothing changes, if I never lose another pound, I am GOOD ENOUGH exactly as I am right now. In fact, I am AWESOME exactly as I am right now.

Does this mean I am giving myself permission to give up on this whole weight loss thing? Not at all, I still want to lose this weight and will continue working at this goal. What it means is that I can now find joy in the journey because I am perfectly fine exactly as I am, right here and now.

Grass is Greener Syndrome

Everyone has it. I really think this is true. We all have some area of our lives where we think someone else has it so much better. I call it "Grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

It might be your employment  "I wish I had a job like Henry, he is always so happy!" or your employee "If my team was as good as  X company, then we would succeed!"

It might be your marriage "If I was single, like I was in my twenties, life would be so much easier" or your lack thereof "God I wish I had a husband like Amy! She has it so good!"

It could even be something material like your car, your house, your shoes. Whatever it might be, we all have that ONE thing that we envy in others. For me it was always THINNESS (that doesn't even look like a real word to me but I checked...it is). I always thought that thin people had it so good. If I could only be thinner, I would be happier. As I have gotten older and wiser I realize that thinness won't bring me everlasting happiness but even with that knowledge, the grass sure looked pristine on the other side of the fence!

So I thought to myself, how do you get what someone has? You watch what they do and you do the same. If their grass is green because they fertilize it weekly and sing it lullabies at night, then you should do the same right? Well conveniently I have quite a few very thin and beautiful friends to observe and what did I learn? Their grass has brown spots and weeds just like mine.

 Many (not all but many) of my thin female friends worry about what they are going to eat as much as I do. They dread the scale as much as I do. They go home after work exhausted and only wanting to spend time with their loved ones but drag their ass to the gym instead. They don't eat carbs. They don't enjoy wine and dessert. They eat before the party so they don't eat at the party. They wouldn't think of having a pumpkin spice latte just for the hell of it. They look over someone else fence and think "God I wish I was like her and didn't have to worry so much about my weight!"

I like food, I like wine, I like pumpkin spice lattes. I even like my curves (although I have some to spare if anyone is looking). If I water my own lawn with a little acceptance, a little more self-care and perhaps a dose of discipline once in awhile, it will become thick and plush like me. It is time to focus on my own backyard for awhile.

265 days down, 100 to go.....

Wow it is hard to believe that it is only 100 days until January 1st, 2014. 100 days until I am supposed to be 100 pounds lighter. Sadly that is not going to be the case, of this I am sure. Could have I lost 100 pounds this year? I think so. Is all lost? Not at all! I have learned so much about myself through this process. Plus I am down 30 pounds which is better than a kick in the junk.

It is hard for me not to compare myself to other people. I am happy for the successes of others but at the same time, they make mine look like failure. This is the sort of thinking I am trying to shake. They are on their journey (and rocking it) and I am on mine which is rocky. I have just come off a "diet bender" of sorts. Week long cycles of feast and famine where I gain and lose the same
5-8 pounds over and over again. I am so freaking out of whack with my eating that I feel like I am in the weeds big time. Not that I am even eating all that crazy, it is just crazy for me. I have 30 years of dieting under my belt and an endocrine disorder that just LOVES to keep me wrapped in this cozy blanket of chub. I can't get away with eating the way others do. I am no saint, but I am not the food anti-christ either!

I woke up this morning and my friend Nanda had posted this on her facebook wall:

"Confused about where to start? Are you stuck in a vicious cycle and afraid to move? I am now taking new Clients for October... is it YOUR time?!"

It hit me like a bolt. I need guidance. I need help and I think Nanda can help me. Ever since my yoga retreat in August I have been really struggling with two ends of the spectrum. On one end I want to lose this weight desperately and reach the goals I set for myself. On the other end I know that I can be overweight and healthy and happy. I am fed up with battling my body but hanging up my weapons feels like giving up. I want to get to that place where I naturally nourish my body because it is the right thing to do, not because I want to see a smaller number on the scale. Nanda can help me get there. I feel it in my bones. She is a holistic nutritionist who treats you from the inside out.
I know, I know, I am also a nutritionist but have you ever heard the saying "Doctor heal thyself"? That is me.

So this next 100 days is not about losing weight. It is about getting right with myself and taking care of myself better than I have in years. It is about losing the shame I feel for dropping the ball on myself and instead feeling proud for what I have accomplished. It is about not wishing for what I don't have and instead being grateful for what I do have. It is about reconnecting with myself, my husband, my friends and family. The next 100 days is about me, not the scale (although it can feel free to start moving in the right direction).