Over Fed, Under Nourished...

I firmly believe that most overweight people are severely malnourished. This isn't solely due to their diet, although for many it is a diet of nothing but brown and white....bread, meat, potatoes. It also has to do with how an overweight body processes food, absorbs nutrients and even how it produces them itself. For example, being overweight seriously impedes vitamin D absorption.....malnourished. Overweight people have different bacteria in their gut that may not effectively manufacture B vitamins....malnourished. They are more likely to suffer from candida overgrowth which can lead to absorption issues....malnourished. I know for myself I have been  over fed and under nourished my entire adult life. 2 weeks ago I started on a new path of eating and I am starting to feel WELL nourished.

I told you all before that I am working with a lovely nutritionist Nanda. 2 weeks ago today I started on a new journey, a journey that will put me back in touch with myself and start to heal my relationship with food. The first 2-4 weeks are all about detoxing some of the "bad" stuff out of your system in an effort to understand the effect that certain foods have on you. It has been interesting and I have been pretty damn good. Things I am supposed to eliminate:

• Artificial sweeteners of any kind  Haven't touched the stuff
• Wheat and gluten  I have been pretty good...there was that one pizza night and a company party at which I had one roll but I stopped at one roll and to me that is success!
• Coffee  Hardest thing for me to give up but I did it for a full week. The last week I have had 5 coffees in total which is a far cry from my 3 or 4 daily before. When I get stressed I crave to the point that I NEED coffee...can anyone say adrenal burnout?
• Dairy  Outside of the fated pizza and the cream in my coffee I have gone without dairy and I think my skin is loving me for it even though I am still detoxing.
• Refined sugar  Well Halloween did happen so I had a bit of chocolate and then I did have a small blizzard the other night.....hmmm better add that to the dairy list as well.
• Processed foods  Outside of my confessions above I have had zero processed foods.

Ok so I haven't been perfect but perfect is not the goal. I am thinking about what I am eating but not obsessing. I am no longer on autopilot. I am not a slave to the scale (although I did sneak a weigh in today and I am down about 8 pounds!). Nanda said something to me that made perfect sense. She said "Crowd out the bad foods" meaning eat so much of the good stuff that there is little room left for the bad stuff. That is EXACTLY what I have been doing. I have been eating veggies and fruit every colour of the rainbow, I have been drinking a super nutritious shake every breakfast instead of drinking two coffees, I have been eating sprouts and kale and squash, I have been drinking a whack load of water, I am eating beans and chia seeds.I am taking a handful of supplements but only taking what my body requires. I am taking fish oils every time I eat. I am cooking from scratch. Basically...

 I am nourishing the shit out of this body of mine!!

I feel energetic, I feel balanced and I feel lighter than I have in years. My focus has changed from weight to health and even though I have said that more times than I care to admit, I feel like this time I mean it. The 8 pounds I have lost excited me but the fact that I am not crashing in the afternoon excites me even more. Still have lots of work to do but I am on my way, one kale chip at a time.

Bear with me, I have been hibernating!

I don't know what it is about the last month but I seem to be in hibernation mode. No motivation to go out and do stuff, napping/sleeping as much as possible and eating like a bear! I have been craving comfort foods like crazy. Sweets, bread and pretty much anything with pumpkin in it! Unfortunately I haven't been fighting the cravings, I have been giving in. I know I have put weight on, I can feel it in my clothing. I haven't weighed because I am too scared and I am not going to. I have defined myself, my happiness and my success for too long based on the number on that scale. F#$K IT!

Interestingly enough, I am feeling "ok" about things. I am disappointed that I haven't gotten as far in this journey as I wanted but I have made some HUGE improvements in other areas, mainly in my thinking. I have a greater understanding of why I am the way I am than I ever have through all of the research I have done for the blog. I "get" PCOS and how difficult it makes things (difficult but NOT impossible). I "get" that losing weight will not make me happy. If I am not happy with all of the blessings I have, there is a deeper problem going on. I also "get" that 30 years of weight issues and dieting cannot be undone in a year.

I had mentioned I am going to be working with a Holistic Nutritionist and while we haven't gotten into the nitty gritty yet of a program, I had my initial consult with her last week. I have known Nanda for 5-6 years and respect her greatly but all that said it was VERY difficult for me to realize I needed outside help. Asking for it was even harder but I knew it had to be done. I had seen a sign (or a meme on her darn facebook wall) and it was like it was talking to me. I am so glad I did. First thing she did was send me some emotional work to do and boy did she cut to the meat of it right away:

"Who are you without your attachment to your weight issues and the humour you use to protect yourself?"

Holy shit Nanda! It took me a few days to even look at it but when I started writing it was life changing. My weight is my "story" and my humour is my "tool". Now I am not really self-depreciating in my humour, I like to think I am pretty witty to be honest, but it is a tool I use to hide how I am truly feeling sometimes. When I stripped those two things away, I was surprised what was still there. I am not going to go into it all here but I realized all the things we never say because it sounds conceited. Things like I am smart, creative, a natural leader and altruistic....all things on my list I am proud to say. I also realized that there are areas that I have real doubts about my abilities like as a mother, daughter or wife. But I realize now that I am doing the best I can with where I am right now and that is good enough. In fact, that is the message I walked away with:

If nothing changes, if I never lose another pound, I am GOOD ENOUGH exactly as I am right now. In fact, I am AWESOME exactly as I am right now.

Does this mean I am giving myself permission to give up on this whole weight loss thing? Not at all, I still want to lose this weight and will continue working at this goal. What it means is that I can now find joy in the journey because I am perfectly fine exactly as I am, right here and now.

Grass is Greener Syndrome

Everyone has it. I really think this is true. We all have some area of our lives where we think someone else has it so much better. I call it "Grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

It might be your employment  "I wish I had a job like Henry, he is always so happy!" or your employee "If my team was as good as  X company, then we would succeed!"

It might be your marriage "If I was single, like I was in my twenties, life would be so much easier" or your lack thereof "God I wish I had a husband like Amy! She has it so good!"

It could even be something material like your car, your house, your shoes. Whatever it might be, we all have that ONE thing that we envy in others. For me it was always THINNESS (that doesn't even look like a real word to me but I checked...it is). I always thought that thin people had it so good. If I could only be thinner, I would be happier. As I have gotten older and wiser I realize that thinness won't bring me everlasting happiness but even with that knowledge, the grass sure looked pristine on the other side of the fence!

So I thought to myself, how do you get what someone has? You watch what they do and you do the same. If their grass is green because they fertilize it weekly and sing it lullabies at night, then you should do the same right? Well conveniently I have quite a few very thin and beautiful friends to observe and what did I learn? Their grass has brown spots and weeds just like mine.

 Many (not all but many) of my thin female friends worry about what they are going to eat as much as I do. They dread the scale as much as I do. They go home after work exhausted and only wanting to spend time with their loved ones but drag their ass to the gym instead. They don't eat carbs. They don't enjoy wine and dessert. They eat before the party so they don't eat at the party. They wouldn't think of having a pumpkin spice latte just for the hell of it. They look over someone else fence and think "God I wish I was like her and didn't have to worry so much about my weight!"

I like food, I like wine, I like pumpkin spice lattes. I even like my curves (although I have some to spare if anyone is looking). If I water my own lawn with a little acceptance, a little more self-care and perhaps a dose of discipline once in awhile, it will become thick and plush like me. It is time to focus on my own backyard for awhile.

265 days down, 100 to go.....

Wow it is hard to believe that it is only 100 days until January 1st, 2014. 100 days until I am supposed to be 100 pounds lighter. Sadly that is not going to be the case, of this I am sure. Could have I lost 100 pounds this year? I think so. Is all lost? Not at all! I have learned so much about myself through this process. Plus I am down 30 pounds which is better than a kick in the junk.

It is hard for me not to compare myself to other people. I am happy for the successes of others but at the same time, they make mine look like failure. This is the sort of thinking I am trying to shake. They are on their journey (and rocking it) and I am on mine which is rocky. I have just come off a "diet bender" of sorts. Week long cycles of feast and famine where I gain and lose the same
5-8 pounds over and over again. I am so freaking out of whack with my eating that I feel like I am in the weeds big time. Not that I am even eating all that crazy, it is just crazy for me. I have 30 years of dieting under my belt and an endocrine disorder that just LOVES to keep me wrapped in this cozy blanket of chub. I can't get away with eating the way others do. I am no saint, but I am not the food anti-christ either!

I woke up this morning and my friend Nanda had posted this on her facebook wall:

"Confused about where to start? Are you stuck in a vicious cycle and afraid to move? I am now taking new Clients for October... is it YOUR time?!"

It hit me like a bolt. I need guidance. I need help and I think Nanda can help me. Ever since my yoga retreat in August I have been really struggling with two ends of the spectrum. On one end I want to lose this weight desperately and reach the goals I set for myself. On the other end I know that I can be overweight and healthy and happy. I am fed up with battling my body but hanging up my weapons feels like giving up. I want to get to that place where I naturally nourish my body because it is the right thing to do, not because I want to see a smaller number on the scale. Nanda can help me get there. I feel it in my bones. She is a holistic nutritionist who treats you from the inside out.
I know, I know, I am also a nutritionist but have you ever heard the saying "Doctor heal thyself"? That is me.

So this next 100 days is not about losing weight. It is about getting right with myself and taking care of myself better than I have in years. It is about losing the shame I feel for dropping the ball on myself and instead feeling proud for what I have accomplished. It is about not wishing for what I don't have and instead being grateful for what I do have. It is about reconnecting with myself, my husband, my friends and family. The next 100 days is about me, not the scale (although it can feel free to start moving in the right direction).

Blog-cation over!

To steal a term from my friend Jamie, my blog-cation is over. I took a break from the blog in August as it was time to focus on other things. My family, my relationship and my job. I did so much writing last month for work that I had very little mental energy left to write anything here. I am fighting the cold from hell so I have very little energy to write anything today either but I wanted to let you all know that I am alive and well....ish.

Last month I went to a very cool yoga retreat that was good for my soul. If anyone lives in Toronto and wants to check out yoga classes specifically for plus size men and women, check out www.tiinaveer.com to learn more about "Yoga for Round Bodies". It gave me time to pause and reflect and two things stood out to me:
1) My body is capable of a lot! I was amazed at what I could do and how good it felt to do it.
2) I am truly a confused soul when it comes to taking care of myself. I have all the knowledge in the world yet lack the ability to apply it on a consistent basis. Knowledge is nothing if you don't put it to good use.

When I came back from the retreat I felt inspired to really look at what I need to do for myself and my family. The first thing was I need to nurture my marriage. I take my husband for granted in a big way. The second thing was I need to take care of myself better. Mentally and physically I need to listen to the gentle cues my body is sending. Today is a good example. Yesterday I was so stressed about taking today off work. I have so much to do and I didn't want to let anyone down even though I knew I would be in no shape to go into the office. The stress of sending that email to my boss telling him I wouldn't be in was really plaguing me (even though I knew he would completely understand) so I decided I would be proactive and let him know yesterday that I didn't think I would be in today. As soon as I made the decision and sent the email I felt so much relief and then could focus on taking care of me. Weird example but it is exactly the small acts of self care I need to start doing.

So I have an idea of where I am going to go from here but today is all about resting and getting better. Thanks to everyone for the continual support. I often feel like I have let you all down but I am hoping that my struggles will help some of you feel comforted about your own. Never in a million years when I started this blog did I think the journey and the blog itself would be so tough but I wouldn't change it.......well I might change a few things! I will post again once I am back on my feet.
Love to all!

Path to success....

I saw this on facebook and thought it was super fitting for my blog post today. First an update from the last few weeks. I got back on track July 1st with the plan of following a carb cycling program....3 days low carb followed by one day high carb. I have been playing with it all month to try to hit the sweet spot. I find that a carb up day every 3 days is likely too much for me. It sets me back and more importantly, I don't feel very good afterwards. My knees start aching and my PCOS symptoms come back almost immediately. I truly believe (as much as I wish this wasn't the case) that the way I am supposed to eat is lower carb all of the time. The research shows that for PCOS sufferers, this is the only way they should be eating and if I truly listen to my body, it is the only way I should be eating for sure. The good news is that I am down 10 pounds in July. Granted it is 10 pounds I had put back on but I am moving in the right direction. That makes me down 30 pounds so far and if I can release 10 pounds every month, I will be down 80 pounds by the end of the year. Not 100 but better than a kick in the ass.....which is precisely what I need some days :)

July kinda sucked. It was a month full of stress and strife in all areas of life it seems. Work was crazy busy, home life was stressful, finances were in the toilet. August will be much better, I can feel it. It begins today with my beautiful mother's birthday and then my little bro's birthday is tomorrow:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUYS! LOVE YOU!

 

In a few weeks I have a weekend yoga retreat which I am looking forward to immensely. I need to start taking better care of myself and I think yoga will be a big part of that. I am still very intimidated by classes but I am hoping this retreat will help to build my confidence. People around me are experiencing great success in so many areas that it is very inspiring.

• Krista and Lindsay whom I have mentioned before have reached new weight loss milestones and look amazing.
• My friend Dean has turned into a super athlete and is getting ready to compete in his first IRONMAN!
• My friend Roberta is moving outside of her comfort zone and beginning a new job in a few weeks.
• A new friend Glen, has transformed his health and way of eating after completing a candida cleanse.
• My friends Jamie and Jodie have moved their life to another country on a quest to heal and grow, I think that is so brave.
• Our dear friends Jim, Jane and Jack are living out their dreams of travelling the world and just began a stint in Vietnam.

 I am surrounded by people who are kicking ass and taking names. How can I not find hope and strength in that? Which brings me back to the picture I posted up top. Success is not a straight line. We are all on our own path and that path gets tangled up and messy at times. We veer off course but we don't give up, we change our strategy or just recommit to the process. The important thing is that we keep the end goal in mind and continue moving in its direction. Sometimes you have to experience failure so that you know success when it happens. These days, success is much more than just the number on the scale for me. It is feeling my clothes getting looser. It is making food choices that heal my body. It is having a treat and not beating myself over it. It is because of the failures on the scale that I have experienced oh so many times that I can finally appreciate the bigger victories.

 

So this journey to lose 100 pounds might not be the straight line to success that I envisioned at the beginning of the year but it is still my journey. My tangled, messy, confusing journey that is helping me grow each and every day. 

Weekly Update: WOOOOOO HOOOOO!!

HI Everyone,

It is so early and I have been trying to figure out what week I am at, my brain hurts! Last week was July 1st so I know I am now on the downward slope of 2013. I have great news to report though. I am down 8.6 pounds this week! I am super excited about this because I did it in a way that I feel is sustainable and even better, I feel great. I have been in a  pattern for the last few months of going up and down. I couldn't settle on a method and even when I went to old faithful (low carb) I wasn't losing. I am so happy this morning, I can't even begin to tell you!

Last week I mentioned that my friend told me to read Chris Powell's book "Choose to lose" (thank you Laura!). I did just that and was inspired. I am not following his program because it is just not realistic for me for a few reasons:

1) Eating 5-6 small meals a day: WHO CAN DO THIS??? I am just not that organized. That said, I spent some time researching this suggestion (which is a common way of eating in the sports nutrition world) and there is no scientific validity to it. There have been a few studies done but they show no difference in weight loss for those people eating the same amount of calories split over 6 meals or 3. PHEW, I can drop that pipe dream!

2) Waking up every morning and doing a crazy routine of exercise: Doing exercise in the morning is a good call but he has 30 different routines in his book. He says they are only 9 minutes long but you have to do a 5 minute warm up then the routine. These routines are complicated and timed. I would spend more time trying to figure out how to do the exercises and which I was supposed to do, than actually exercising. Who has time for that. I am 100 pounds overweight, ANY movement is good for me. It doesn't have to be complicate. So I am just focusing on walking more and going to set my pilates system up again.

3) Even though he doesn't focus on it a lot, this program is a low calorie program. 1200-1500 for women and slightly more for men. No thank you. If I have to pay attention to calories, I am not interested.

What did appeal to me was the concept of carb cycling. He has a whole pile of different options in his book but basically it is combining low carb days with high carb days. His turbo program was 2 low carb days followed by a high carb day (rinse, repeat) and then a reward day on Sunday. On the high carb day you were supposed to basically eat no fat. Not doable for me. I believe that fat is really important. I did take some time to research the whole concept of carb cycling and while there have not been a lot of studies done on it, there are a lot of people out there using this with success. So I put together my own little program and so far so good:

3 days low carb (eat until satisfied of  meat and veggies and add in high fat dairy like cheese and cream for flavour. Low carb salad dressing is fine and some nuts/seeds)

1 day high carb ( I ate a protein shake with fruit for breakfast, greek yogurt and another shake for lunch and then whatever I wanted for dinner: last week it was a grilled cheese sandwich and blizzard for dessert! Not the best choice but it was what I was craving).

REPEAT

The high carb day helps to replenish your glycogen stores and keeps your body guessing. Anyone who does low carb can attest that after a while your body becomes really freaking stubborn. I am hoping this cycling method prevents that from happening. Today is my high carb day and I am thinking sushi is in my future. I feel like this is a really easy way to eat. I am satisfied and I am no longer asking "Hmmm can I have that piece of bread" I am asking instead "Is it a low carb day or a high carb day?" Nothing is off limits, it might just be off limits for a couple of days. I can live with that.