I don't know what it is about the last month but I seem to be in hibernation mode. No motivation to go out and do stuff, napping/sleeping as much as possible and eating like a bear! I have been craving comfort foods like crazy. Sweets, bread and pretty much anything with pumpkin in it! Unfortunately I haven't been fighting the cravings, I have been giving in. I know I have put weight on, I can feel it in my clothing. I haven't weighed because I am too scared and I am not going to. I have defined myself, my happiness and my success for too long based on the number on that scale. F#$K IT!
Interestingly enough, I am feeling "ok" about things. I am disappointed that I haven't gotten as far in this journey as I wanted but I have made some HUGE improvements in other areas, mainly in my thinking. I have a greater understanding of why I am the way I am than I ever have through all of the research I have done for the blog. I "get" PCOS and how difficult it makes things (difficult but NOT impossible). I "get" that losing weight will not make me happy. If I am not happy with all of the blessings I have, there is a deeper problem going on. I also "get" that 30 years of weight issues and dieting cannot be undone in a year.
I had mentioned I am going to be working with a Holistic Nutritionist and while we haven't gotten into the nitty gritty yet of a program, I had my initial consult with her last week. I have known Nanda for 5-6 years and respect her greatly but all that said it was VERY difficult for me to realize I needed outside help. Asking for it was even harder but I knew it had to be done. I had seen a sign (or a meme on her darn facebook wall) and it was like it was talking to me. I am so glad I did. First thing she did was send me some emotional work to do and boy did she cut to the meat of it right away:
"Who are you without your attachment to your weight issues and the humour you use to protect yourself?"
Holy shit Nanda! It took me a few days to even look at it but when I started writing it was life changing. My weight is my "story" and my humour is my "tool". Now I am not really self-depreciating in my humour, I like to think I am pretty witty to be honest, but it is a tool I use to hide how I am truly feeling sometimes. When I stripped those two things away, I was surprised what was still there. I am not going to go into it all here but I realized all the things we never say because it sounds conceited. Things like I am smart, creative, a natural leader and altruistic....all things on my list I am proud to say. I also realized that there are areas that I have real doubts about my abilities like as a mother, daughter or wife. But I realize now that I am doing the best I can with where I am right now and that is good enough. In fact, that is the message I walked away with:
If nothing changes, if I never lose another pound, I am GOOD ENOUGH exactly as I am right now. In fact, I am AWESOME exactly as I am right now.
Does this mean I am giving myself permission to give up on this whole weight loss thing? Not at all, I still want to lose this weight and will continue working at this goal. What it means is that I can now find joy in the journey because I am perfectly fine exactly as I am, right here and now.
