EMPOWERMENT

If I was to look for a word to describe 2013 it would be EMPOWERING. While it definitely wasn't all roses, there were a lot of successes that we experienced as a family. We had decided that Jon was going to stay home with Aidan. We were so stressed about the financial consequences of this decision but we did it. We managed to go down to one income while doubling our mortgage and taking on a new car loan and we are still floating above water. We realized that we didn't need any more stuff. That meant no birthday gifts for one another, no Christmas gifts except for the wee one. Hand me downs for Aidan and consignment store shopping for me. No expensive dinners out and we went to the cottage in October rather than during peak times. We had to make concessions but it was so worth it to have Jon be able to stay home with the little man. This was a huge success for us.

Going back to work for me was something I was looking forward to. I admire stay at home parents so much but I don't think I am cut out for it. I love my job and the people I work with and for. Going to work every day is something I look forward to (not to say that I don't have THOSE days, I do). I was blessed to be given a promotion so I will be starting 2014 as "Marketing Manager" which is very exciting! This will bring new challenges but also new opportunities. I am proud of myself as I always told myself I was not a creative person. I have no marketing degree or formal training but over the past few years I have seen my creativity flourish. Now I proudly include "creative" in the language I use to describe myself.

Now that I have found my niche, it is Jon's turn. Being home with Aidan is a blessing and we hope to continue until he is in school full time however there will come a time when Jon has to return to work. I hope that over the next few years he can decide what he wants to do going forward and find something that will make him as happy as my career makes me. That may include taking some courses or going back to school. It may be owning a business. Whatever it is, it is his time to discover it. I am excited to see what the future holds for him and our family.

This year has also empowered us as parents in that Aidan is still alive and kicking! Both Jon and I wondered if we were cut out for this whole parenting thing and it seems that we are doing a pretty good job. Aidan is a delightful little guy. Nope, he is not talking yet. Nope, he is not counting or pointing to his nose. Yes, it kind of has me freaked out but I know he is just perfect the way he is. He will do things in his own time and it is not something that is determined by our "good" or "bad" parenting skills. Kids thrive in spite of us. He is the best thing either of us have ever done and we can't wait to see all of his firsts.

I feel that this year has empowered us as a couple. We have been through so many life changes, some good, some not so much. We trust each other to the core. We love each other even when we don't like each other. We believe in one another and in our family. We share common goals and values. We are not perfect but we are perfect for each other.

Last but not least, I feel empowered as a flawed human being. I have "failed" in a very public way with this blog. I set a lofty goal and fell very short of reaching it. Failure is a harsh word but it is true in this case. I did NOT lose 100 pounds in 2013. What I find so empowering is that I am OK with it. In fact, I am feeling pretty darn good about the whole situation. I have grown, I have not let this unravel or embarrass me and the coolest part, I feel like I may have empowered others to try. I will sign off with a quote from Winston Churchill (my grandmother would be proud) and look forward to continuing this journey in 2014.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

Lessons Learned

I can't believe that in 3 days it will be January 1st. Needless to say, I have not lost 100 pounds this year. I think I will be lucky if I am down 1/4 of that after all of the holiday treats. Even if the weight is not gone, all is not lost. I have learned A LOT this year. A lot about myself, a lot about others and a lot about how I want to live my life moving forward. These lessons are more valuable than any number on the scale. Today I am going to share some of what I have discovered over the past 362 days. I may get it all out in this post or I may have to continue tomorrow, regardless this is a time for retrospection.

What I have learned this year:

1) I am not alone. My weight has always felt like a burden I carried on my own. When I began writing my blog, I realized that hoards of people struggled in the same ways I did. People who I would look at and think that they looked perfect, they struggled as much as I did. Whether someone had 200, 100, 20 or 2 pounds to lose, it was a big deal to them. Their journey may be different from mine but the feelings and struggles were often the same. I would never wish issues like this on anyone but it has been comforting knowing I am not alone.

2) I am so much more than the number on the scale. At the end of the day, no one but me ever has to see that number and if I so choose, I never have to see it myself again. It is just that, a number. A measurement of my mass, not my worth. I am a mother, a manager, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am funny, smart, sexy, kind, altruistic, sensitive, temperamental and a bit of a bitch sometimes. I am fat and that is okay because it is only one very small part of what makes me, me.

3) I tend to put others before myself. I have read this blog from beginning to end and something really stood out to me, I lost my way in May. What happened in May? Well, we brought a friend into our home who had fallen on tough times. Someone who my husband didn't even know and who is still living with us now. At the time, I did what I thought was right for him but in that impulsive decision, I put what was right for my family and I on the back burner. Having someone living under your roof for 8 monthes is stressful. As he got his life back together again, ours started to fall apart. I am not blaming him at all but it made me see that I made a poor decision. Part of me thinks that taking on that "project" allowed me to stop focusing on my own. Wouldn't be the first time.

4) I am impatient, impulsive and very hedonistic. Those may sound like bad character traits but they are mine. One of the things that I wanted to do through this process was to pick a path and stay the course. White knuckle it through the hard times where I wasn't experiencing success with the end in mind. I wanted to overcome my impatience, impulse control issues and pleasure seeking behaviour but why? Those traits have caused me to take risks, push myself to do better, enjoy life and all of its delights. They are part of what makes my personality the way it is, they are part of why I am successful in many areas of my life, they are part of me. I have grown to kind of dig them.

5) If I don't lose another pound ever, I am going to be OK. I still want to get some of this weight off for many reasons. I am going to continue working on this goal but I am at peace with the idea that I can be large and still be healthy. I have done a lot of research this year about health at any size and realize that my goal has to be HEALTH not THINNESS. I am working on this inch by inch.

That's all I have in me for today. It has been a hell of a week but I will write more in the next day or so. Thank you to everyone for your support and kindness this year. I hope you have learned some things about yourself through this process. xoxoxo

Over Fed, Under Nourished...

I firmly believe that most overweight people are severely malnourished. This isn't solely due to their diet, although for many it is a diet of nothing but brown and white....bread, meat, potatoes. It also has to do with how an overweight body processes food, absorbs nutrients and even how it produces them itself. For example, being overweight seriously impedes vitamin D absorption.....malnourished. Overweight people have different bacteria in their gut that may not effectively manufacture B vitamins....malnourished. They are more likely to suffer from candida overgrowth which can lead to absorption issues....malnourished. I know for myself I have been  over fed and under nourished my entire adult life. 2 weeks ago I started on a new path of eating and I am starting to feel WELL nourished.

I told you all before that I am working with a lovely nutritionist Nanda. 2 weeks ago today I started on a new journey, a journey that will put me back in touch with myself and start to heal my relationship with food. The first 2-4 weeks are all about detoxing some of the "bad" stuff out of your system in an effort to understand the effect that certain foods have on you. It has been interesting and I have been pretty damn good. Things I am supposed to eliminate:

• Artificial sweeteners of any kind  Haven't touched the stuff
• Wheat and gluten  I have been pretty good...there was that one pizza night and a company party at which I had one roll but I stopped at one roll and to me that is success!
• Coffee  Hardest thing for me to give up but I did it for a full week. The last week I have had 5 coffees in total which is a far cry from my 3 or 4 daily before. When I get stressed I crave to the point that I NEED coffee...can anyone say adrenal burnout?
• Dairy  Outside of the fated pizza and the cream in my coffee I have gone without dairy and I think my skin is loving me for it even though I am still detoxing.
• Refined sugar  Well Halloween did happen so I had a bit of chocolate and then I did have a small blizzard the other night.....hmmm better add that to the dairy list as well.
• Processed foods  Outside of my confessions above I have had zero processed foods.

Ok so I haven't been perfect but perfect is not the goal. I am thinking about what I am eating but not obsessing. I am no longer on autopilot. I am not a slave to the scale (although I did sneak a weigh in today and I am down about 8 pounds!). Nanda said something to me that made perfect sense. She said "Crowd out the bad foods" meaning eat so much of the good stuff that there is little room left for the bad stuff. That is EXACTLY what I have been doing. I have been eating veggies and fruit every colour of the rainbow, I have been drinking a super nutritious shake every breakfast instead of drinking two coffees, I have been eating sprouts and kale and squash, I have been drinking a whack load of water, I am eating beans and chia seeds.I am taking a handful of supplements but only taking what my body requires. I am taking fish oils every time I eat. I am cooking from scratch. Basically...

 I am nourishing the shit out of this body of mine!!

I feel energetic, I feel balanced and I feel lighter than I have in years. My focus has changed from weight to health and even though I have said that more times than I care to admit, I feel like this time I mean it. The 8 pounds I have lost excited me but the fact that I am not crashing in the afternoon excites me even more. Still have lots of work to do but I am on my way, one kale chip at a time.

Bear with me, I have been hibernating!

I don't know what it is about the last month but I seem to be in hibernation mode. No motivation to go out and do stuff, napping/sleeping as much as possible and eating like a bear! I have been craving comfort foods like crazy. Sweets, bread and pretty much anything with pumpkin in it! Unfortunately I haven't been fighting the cravings, I have been giving in. I know I have put weight on, I can feel it in my clothing. I haven't weighed because I am too scared and I am not going to. I have defined myself, my happiness and my success for too long based on the number on that scale. F#$K IT!

Interestingly enough, I am feeling "ok" about things. I am disappointed that I haven't gotten as far in this journey as I wanted but I have made some HUGE improvements in other areas, mainly in my thinking. I have a greater understanding of why I am the way I am than I ever have through all of the research I have done for the blog. I "get" PCOS and how difficult it makes things (difficult but NOT impossible). I "get" that losing weight will not make me happy. If I am not happy with all of the blessings I have, there is a deeper problem going on. I also "get" that 30 years of weight issues and dieting cannot be undone in a year.

I had mentioned I am going to be working with a Holistic Nutritionist and while we haven't gotten into the nitty gritty yet of a program, I had my initial consult with her last week. I have known Nanda for 5-6 years and respect her greatly but all that said it was VERY difficult for me to realize I needed outside help. Asking for it was even harder but I knew it had to be done. I had seen a sign (or a meme on her darn facebook wall) and it was like it was talking to me. I am so glad I did. First thing she did was send me some emotional work to do and boy did she cut to the meat of it right away:

"Who are you without your attachment to your weight issues and the humour you use to protect yourself?"

Holy shit Nanda! It took me a few days to even look at it but when I started writing it was life changing. My weight is my "story" and my humour is my "tool". Now I am not really self-depreciating in my humour, I like to think I am pretty witty to be honest, but it is a tool I use to hide how I am truly feeling sometimes. When I stripped those two things away, I was surprised what was still there. I am not going to go into it all here but I realized all the things we never say because it sounds conceited. Things like I am smart, creative, a natural leader and altruistic....all things on my list I am proud to say. I also realized that there are areas that I have real doubts about my abilities like as a mother, daughter or wife. But I realize now that I am doing the best I can with where I am right now and that is good enough. In fact, that is the message I walked away with:

If nothing changes, if I never lose another pound, I am GOOD ENOUGH exactly as I am right now. In fact, I am AWESOME exactly as I am right now.

Does this mean I am giving myself permission to give up on this whole weight loss thing? Not at all, I still want to lose this weight and will continue working at this goal. What it means is that I can now find joy in the journey because I am perfectly fine exactly as I am, right here and now.

Grass is Greener Syndrome

Everyone has it. I really think this is true. We all have some area of our lives where we think someone else has it so much better. I call it "Grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

It might be your employment  "I wish I had a job like Henry, he is always so happy!" or your employee "If my team was as good as  X company, then we would succeed!"

It might be your marriage "If I was single, like I was in my twenties, life would be so much easier" or your lack thereof "God I wish I had a husband like Amy! She has it so good!"

It could even be something material like your car, your house, your shoes. Whatever it might be, we all have that ONE thing that we envy in others. For me it was always THINNESS (that doesn't even look like a real word to me but I checked...it is). I always thought that thin people had it so good. If I could only be thinner, I would be happier. As I have gotten older and wiser I realize that thinness won't bring me everlasting happiness but even with that knowledge, the grass sure looked pristine on the other side of the fence!

So I thought to myself, how do you get what someone has? You watch what they do and you do the same. If their grass is green because they fertilize it weekly and sing it lullabies at night, then you should do the same right? Well conveniently I have quite a few very thin and beautiful friends to observe and what did I learn? Their grass has brown spots and weeds just like mine.

 Many (not all but many) of my thin female friends worry about what they are going to eat as much as I do. They dread the scale as much as I do. They go home after work exhausted and only wanting to spend time with their loved ones but drag their ass to the gym instead. They don't eat carbs. They don't enjoy wine and dessert. They eat before the party so they don't eat at the party. They wouldn't think of having a pumpkin spice latte just for the hell of it. They look over someone else fence and think "God I wish I was like her and didn't have to worry so much about my weight!"

I like food, I like wine, I like pumpkin spice lattes. I even like my curves (although I have some to spare if anyone is looking). If I water my own lawn with a little acceptance, a little more self-care and perhaps a dose of discipline once in awhile, it will become thick and plush like me. It is time to focus on my own backyard for awhile.

265 days down, 100 to go.....

Wow it is hard to believe that it is only 100 days until January 1st, 2014. 100 days until I am supposed to be 100 pounds lighter. Sadly that is not going to be the case, of this I am sure. Could have I lost 100 pounds this year? I think so. Is all lost? Not at all! I have learned so much about myself through this process. Plus I am down 30 pounds which is better than a kick in the junk.

It is hard for me not to compare myself to other people. I am happy for the successes of others but at the same time, they make mine look like failure. This is the sort of thinking I am trying to shake. They are on their journey (and rocking it) and I am on mine which is rocky. I have just come off a "diet bender" of sorts. Week long cycles of feast and famine where I gain and lose the same
5-8 pounds over and over again. I am so freaking out of whack with my eating that I feel like I am in the weeds big time. Not that I am even eating all that crazy, it is just crazy for me. I have 30 years of dieting under my belt and an endocrine disorder that just LOVES to keep me wrapped in this cozy blanket of chub. I can't get away with eating the way others do. I am no saint, but I am not the food anti-christ either!

I woke up this morning and my friend Nanda had posted this on her facebook wall:

"Confused about where to start? Are you stuck in a vicious cycle and afraid to move? I am now taking new Clients for October... is it YOUR time?!"

It hit me like a bolt. I need guidance. I need help and I think Nanda can help me. Ever since my yoga retreat in August I have been really struggling with two ends of the spectrum. On one end I want to lose this weight desperately and reach the goals I set for myself. On the other end I know that I can be overweight and healthy and happy. I am fed up with battling my body but hanging up my weapons feels like giving up. I want to get to that place where I naturally nourish my body because it is the right thing to do, not because I want to see a smaller number on the scale. Nanda can help me get there. I feel it in my bones. She is a holistic nutritionist who treats you from the inside out.
I know, I know, I am also a nutritionist but have you ever heard the saying "Doctor heal thyself"? That is me.

So this next 100 days is not about losing weight. It is about getting right with myself and taking care of myself better than I have in years. It is about losing the shame I feel for dropping the ball on myself and instead feeling proud for what I have accomplished. It is about not wishing for what I don't have and instead being grateful for what I do have. It is about reconnecting with myself, my husband, my friends and family. The next 100 days is about me, not the scale (although it can feel free to start moving in the right direction).

Blog-cation over!

To steal a term from my friend Jamie, my blog-cation is over. I took a break from the blog in August as it was time to focus on other things. My family, my relationship and my job. I did so much writing last month for work that I had very little mental energy left to write anything here. I am fighting the cold from hell so I have very little energy to write anything today either but I wanted to let you all know that I am alive and well....ish.

Last month I went to a very cool yoga retreat that was good for my soul. If anyone lives in Toronto and wants to check out yoga classes specifically for plus size men and women, check out www.tiinaveer.com to learn more about "Yoga for Round Bodies". It gave me time to pause and reflect and two things stood out to me:
1) My body is capable of a lot! I was amazed at what I could do and how good it felt to do it.
2) I am truly a confused soul when it comes to taking care of myself. I have all the knowledge in the world yet lack the ability to apply it on a consistent basis. Knowledge is nothing if you don't put it to good use.

When I came back from the retreat I felt inspired to really look at what I need to do for myself and my family. The first thing was I need to nurture my marriage. I take my husband for granted in a big way. The second thing was I need to take care of myself better. Mentally and physically I need to listen to the gentle cues my body is sending. Today is a good example. Yesterday I was so stressed about taking today off work. I have so much to do and I didn't want to let anyone down even though I knew I would be in no shape to go into the office. The stress of sending that email to my boss telling him I wouldn't be in was really plaguing me (even though I knew he would completely understand) so I decided I would be proactive and let him know yesterday that I didn't think I would be in today. As soon as I made the decision and sent the email I felt so much relief and then could focus on taking care of me. Weird example but it is exactly the small acts of self care I need to start doing.

So I have an idea of where I am going to go from here but today is all about resting and getting better. Thanks to everyone for the continual support. I often feel like I have let you all down but I am hoping that my struggles will help some of you feel comforted about your own. Never in a million years when I started this blog did I think the journey and the blog itself would be so tough but I wouldn't change it.......well I might change a few things! I will post again once I am back on my feet.
Love to all!

Path to success....

I saw this on facebook and thought it was super fitting for my blog post today. First an update from the last few weeks. I got back on track July 1st with the plan of following a carb cycling program....3 days low carb followed by one day high carb. I have been playing with it all month to try to hit the sweet spot. I find that a carb up day every 3 days is likely too much for me. It sets me back and more importantly, I don't feel very good afterwards. My knees start aching and my PCOS symptoms come back almost immediately. I truly believe (as much as I wish this wasn't the case) that the way I am supposed to eat is lower carb all of the time. The research shows that for PCOS sufferers, this is the only way they should be eating and if I truly listen to my body, it is the only way I should be eating for sure. The good news is that I am down 10 pounds in July. Granted it is 10 pounds I had put back on but I am moving in the right direction. That makes me down 30 pounds so far and if I can release 10 pounds every month, I will be down 80 pounds by the end of the year. Not 100 but better than a kick in the ass.....which is precisely what I need some days :)

July kinda sucked. It was a month full of stress and strife in all areas of life it seems. Work was crazy busy, home life was stressful, finances were in the toilet. August will be much better, I can feel it. It begins today with my beautiful mother's birthday and then my little bro's birthday is tomorrow:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUYS! LOVE YOU!

 

In a few weeks I have a weekend yoga retreat which I am looking forward to immensely. I need to start taking better care of myself and I think yoga will be a big part of that. I am still very intimidated by classes but I am hoping this retreat will help to build my confidence. People around me are experiencing great success in so many areas that it is very inspiring.

• Krista and Lindsay whom I have mentioned before have reached new weight loss milestones and look amazing.
• My friend Dean has turned into a super athlete and is getting ready to compete in his first IRONMAN!
• My friend Roberta is moving outside of her comfort zone and beginning a new job in a few weeks.
• A new friend Glen, has transformed his health and way of eating after completing a candida cleanse.
• My friends Jamie and Jodie have moved their life to another country on a quest to heal and grow, I think that is so brave.
• Our dear friends Jim, Jane and Jack are living out their dreams of travelling the world and just began a stint in Vietnam.

 I am surrounded by people who are kicking ass and taking names. How can I not find hope and strength in that? Which brings me back to the picture I posted up top. Success is not a straight line. We are all on our own path and that path gets tangled up and messy at times. We veer off course but we don't give up, we change our strategy or just recommit to the process. The important thing is that we keep the end goal in mind and continue moving in its direction. Sometimes you have to experience failure so that you know success when it happens. These days, success is much more than just the number on the scale for me. It is feeling my clothes getting looser. It is making food choices that heal my body. It is having a treat and not beating myself over it. It is because of the failures on the scale that I have experienced oh so many times that I can finally appreciate the bigger victories.

 

So this journey to lose 100 pounds might not be the straight line to success that I envisioned at the beginning of the year but it is still my journey. My tangled, messy, confusing journey that is helping me grow each and every day. 

Weekly Update: WOOOOOO HOOOOO!!

HI Everyone,

It is so early and I have been trying to figure out what week I am at, my brain hurts! Last week was July 1st so I know I am now on the downward slope of 2013. I have great news to report though. I am down 8.6 pounds this week! I am super excited about this because I did it in a way that I feel is sustainable and even better, I feel great. I have been in a  pattern for the last few months of going up and down. I couldn't settle on a method and even when I went to old faithful (low carb) I wasn't losing. I am so happy this morning, I can't even begin to tell you!

Last week I mentioned that my friend told me to read Chris Powell's book "Choose to lose" (thank you Laura!). I did just that and was inspired. I am not following his program because it is just not realistic for me for a few reasons:

1) Eating 5-6 small meals a day: WHO CAN DO THIS??? I am just not that organized. That said, I spent some time researching this suggestion (which is a common way of eating in the sports nutrition world) and there is no scientific validity to it. There have been a few studies done but they show no difference in weight loss for those people eating the same amount of calories split over 6 meals or 3. PHEW, I can drop that pipe dream!

2) Waking up every morning and doing a crazy routine of exercise: Doing exercise in the morning is a good call but he has 30 different routines in his book. He says they are only 9 minutes long but you have to do a 5 minute warm up then the routine. These routines are complicated and timed. I would spend more time trying to figure out how to do the exercises and which I was supposed to do, than actually exercising. Who has time for that. I am 100 pounds overweight, ANY movement is good for me. It doesn't have to be complicate. So I am just focusing on walking more and going to set my pilates system up again.

3) Even though he doesn't focus on it a lot, this program is a low calorie program. 1200-1500 for women and slightly more for men. No thank you. If I have to pay attention to calories, I am not interested.

What did appeal to me was the concept of carb cycling. He has a whole pile of different options in his book but basically it is combining low carb days with high carb days. His turbo program was 2 low carb days followed by a high carb day (rinse, repeat) and then a reward day on Sunday. On the high carb day you were supposed to basically eat no fat. Not doable for me. I believe that fat is really important. I did take some time to research the whole concept of carb cycling and while there have not been a lot of studies done on it, there are a lot of people out there using this with success. So I put together my own little program and so far so good:

3 days low carb (eat until satisfied of  meat and veggies and add in high fat dairy like cheese and cream for flavour. Low carb salad dressing is fine and some nuts/seeds)

1 day high carb ( I ate a protein shake with fruit for breakfast, greek yogurt and another shake for lunch and then whatever I wanted for dinner: last week it was a grilled cheese sandwich and blizzard for dessert! Not the best choice but it was what I was craving).

REPEAT

The high carb day helps to replenish your glycogen stores and keeps your body guessing. Anyone who does low carb can attest that after a while your body becomes really freaking stubborn. I am hoping this cycling method prevents that from happening. Today is my high carb day and I am thinking sushi is in my future. I feel like this is a really easy way to eat. I am satisfied and I am no longer asking "Hmmm can I have that piece of bread" I am asking instead "Is it a low carb day or a high carb day?" Nothing is off limits, it might just be off limits for a couple of days. I can live with that.

Half way there and nowhere near....

Well today is the half way point of my journey to lose 100 pounds in 2013 and what a journey it has been. Those of my readers who don't struggle with their weight might have a hard time understanding my ups and downs, I am sure it is frusterating for some. It seems so easy....JUST EAT LESS AND MOVE MORE but I wish it were that simple. Many of the people following my blog are on their own weight loss journey and are having varying amounts of success. Some are kicking ass and I am so happy for them. Others are still trying to find their place, like me, and seem to be dealing with more failures than success. Then there are those who have given up completely. No judgement here, I have felt like doing that many times.

Today is July 1st and it is half way through the year. There are 6 monthes ahead where we can change our lives for the better. This is a call to action to everyone to put all of the past bullshit behind them and start fresh today. I know I am.  Here is what I have learned from the first 6 monthes of 2013:

1) This blog is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Being so transparent leaves you feeling a bit vulnerable but it is also very liberating. Exposing your "secrets" to the world helps you to see that you are not alone and you are not all f*&ked up (or any more f*&ked up than anyone else). Secrets hold so much power over us and just releasing them lightens your load. If you are carrying something around that causes you shame, tell someone. Tell someone or tell everyone. You will be surprised that it might not be that big of a deal afterall.

2) I NEED structure and a program to follow. The last few monthes I have been doing things myself. I have been trying to listen to my body and feed it appropriately. I am not there yet. CONFESSION TIME: as of this morning I have put back on half of the weight I lost earlier in the year. So I am starting today with a net loss of 17 pounds. I am so disappointed in myself but I am leaving that behind today and starting fresh. I can do this, I know I can.

3) Even though I need a plan, Weight Watchers still isn't it. I don't look at foods as points values and don't really think I should be anyway. Jon is still going and that is fine, if it works for him I am happy for him. It is a great program for some people, just not for me.

4) I do not deal with chaos and change well. This year has been one of a lot of changes for me and my family. New city, new lifestyle with a baby, new financial situation with Jon staying home with Aidan. Work is good but crazy busy. We have a friend crashing with us while he gets back on his feet. Just a lot of stuff going on. When things get like this, I find it far too easy to put my goals and needs on the back burner. It is even easier to fall back into old habits like eating take out and drinking coffee for lunch instead of a meal. Life is all about change and I need to learn how to go with the flow but not allow that flow to take me too far off course. This is something I am very aware of.

All that said, I am feeling very happy and excited today about what the future holds. A few weeks ago I was at the spa and my friend had mentioned a book to me by Chris Powell (the extreme makeover weight loss edition cutie patootie!). I picked it up and read it from cover to cover. It is great for some people but not realistic for most I think. Just far too complicated but some of the key concepts were intriguing. So I have put something together that I am going to try for this next week and will report back next monday with the results. It may need some tweaking and I am doing some research to make sure that it is based on good science but I feel like this just might work!

So start fresh today. Renew your goals and your commitment to reaching them. A lot can happen in 6 monthes! I may not lose my 100 pounds but I know I can get close and what I have gained by the journey is much more important. Thanks for all of the support guys, you are amazing!

HAPPY CANADA DAY! Update to follow

This picture was taken a year ago today. My little guy was celebrating his first Canada Day and his 5 month birthday. I was half way through my maternity leave and loving every minute. I was about 10 pounds lighter than I am today (damn I miss breastfeeding! BEST WEIGHT LOSS PLAN EVER!). It was all good. Fast forward to today and my little man is 17 monthes old. So hard to believe. Time passes so quickly.

Happy Birthday Canada! I feel best to be born in what I consider to be the best country in the world. Granted I am sure most people feel that way about their country but today and always I feel proud to be Canadian. So humm the national anthem, drink some Canadian beer and if you are my neighbours, finish your fireworks by 11 PM. Enjoy your Canada Day everyone!

Weekly Update: 1 down 29 to go!

Well this has been an interesting week. I wish that the "1 down" in my title was related to pounds on the scale but no, I am referring to 1 week closer to January 1st, 2014. Our scale has been acting wonky so we bought a new one last night. According to that scale I am the same as I was a week ago. Different scale can weigh a little bit differently but I am going to take it at it's word. That's OK, one of my goals this month is to not dictate my success by the number on the scale. I am still 1/4 of the way to my goal and that will have to be good enough for now.

This week has been one of the most stressful that I can remember. Work is nuts, I am taking a few days off next week so trying to get everything set for that. I am drinking coffee like it is no one's business so I know my adrenals are shot. Jon and I need this little break away (with Aidan of course). On the health front, besides the stress, I am feeling pretty good. My clothes definitely feel looser and my digestive system is healing itself. I have been going to my Naturopath and that was our first goal, heal your digestive tract. Part of that process was colonics and I had my second one last night. I am going to post about them on the weekend because I know people will be curious. The main thing that I released was Candida yeast.....LOTS of it. Almost in an instant I have been able to get my carb cravings under control. As someone who has dealt with Candida for as long as I can remember, this was always one of my biggest issues. That NEED for sugar or starch (that is what the little yeasties feed on and they are pushy bastards). After the first colonic, that basically went away. Even if my body is being really resistant to dropping the pounds on the scale, I know that dealing with the candida is a huge step towards dealing with the weight once and for all. More on my colonics in the next few days.

Jon, the baby and I are going to the states for a couple of days to do some shopping. I have been putting it off because of the weight loss but I can't put it off anymore. My body is taking some time to catch up and I want to feel good in this body of mine regardless. Nice fitting clothes are part of that. Little Aidan is growing like a weed so he needs some new things as well. Jon is back on track with weight watchers. I have had moments of regret for quitting but I feel like it was the right decision. Weight Watchers for me is a path to weight loss, I need to be on a path to wellness. I am on that path but man is it rocky!

New Start!

HI Everyone,

As you may have noticed I have been MIA for a few weeks. Part of that is because things are so crazy busy right now that I have nothing in me left to write when I get home. A larger part of that is that I have been feeling a little discouraged. I have been really struggling with plugging into my psych and making choices that honour my body. I get so caught up in the moment and go with what feels good instead of what feels right. The end result? A month has passed and I am heavier than I was and more miserable. That changes today.

Today is exactly 30 weeks until January 1st, 2014. When I figured that out, I got excited! A whole lot can happen in 30 weeks and a whole lot IS going to happen in the next 30. As of this morning I am still 1/4 of the way to my goal of losing 100 pounds in 2013. That is better than a punch in the junk!
I am seeing a great Naturopathic Doctor and together we are working on some of my health issues. She has prescribed an eating plan that is grain-free, low dairy, high protein and veg. I am going to take it meal by meal and try to eat this way most of the time. I need to cut back a bit on my coffee intake which has been steadily increasing but I am not giving it up. I enjoy it too much!

I am also getting back to writing and rewriting my goals every day. This was so important in the beginning to keep me motivated and my eye on the prize. Here are my goals for the next 30 days:

• I nourish my body with food that helps to repair and heal my health
• I drink 3 litres of pure water daily to replenish and rehydrate my body
• I take my supplements consistently and pay attention to the changes that are occurring within my body
• I move my body everyday and get outside to enjoy the sunshine
• I judge the success of my journey but how I feel, not by what the scale says

If you have been following me and have lost your way like I had, today is a great day to get back on track. 30 weeks from now, we are going to be different. It can be a positive change or a not so positive one. We have the control! I have been so inspired by many of my friends who are kicking ass and taking names (Lindsay and Krista, you are both doing AMAZING). Time to start shining again!

                      My little reason for being and doing better. YOU CAN DO IT MOMMY!!

Week 21 Update: Non Scale Victories

Well I haven't posted my weekly update in a few weeks, partially because I have been so busy, partially because the scale can suck it. Mostly the last part. Since throwing in the Weight Watchers towel I have put on about 4 pounds. Not the end of the world but not a good thing of course.

Our lives have been super hectic lately and our eating has suffered big time. We had company a few weekends ago and then during the long weekend a friend in need  moved in with us. Add onto that work stress and my whole "intuitive eating" goal got pushed aside. I still think it is the right way, I just have to start living the principles. That means approaching every meal with my head on straight  and not all wrapped up in the drama of the moment. A tall order? For sure! Impossible? Not at all, people do it all the time!

Even though I am up 4 pounds, I am feeling victorious in other areas. I did some yoga on the weekend with a few girlfriends and really enjoyed it. In fact, I am going to join a yoga studio and start doing it regularly. I think it will really help to strengthen my body (I am still hurting today!) as well as give me a tool to deal with my stress.

I also posted a few weeks ago about getting in touch with my health. I truly believe that if I start to take care of some of the health concerns I have, the weight will start to take care of itself. The first step for me was getting my allergies tested and the results were surprising. Now I know that allergies aren't underlying a lot of my concerns. Today I am beginning a 3 week "digestive reset" prescribed by my Naturopathic Doctor. This involves going grain free and low carb. These dietary guidelines, along with some specific supplements, will help to heal my digestive tract. Interestingly enough, I work for a digestive care company. I know that a healthy digestive tract is the basis of good health and I felt as though my digestive tract was in good order. I was wrong. Apparently my tests showed a severe deficiency in pancreatic enzymes and some issues in my small intestine. So I begin this next 3 weeks of low carb with the intention of healing my gut not losing it. This is the first time in my life I have truly made a dietary change to better my health and not lose weight. This shows me that my mindset must be shifting ever so slowly.

The last victory I had was during my therapy session and it was about letting go of the urgency. I approach life with a certain sense of urgency and this blog is a testament to that. 100 pounds in 2013 is a lofty goal! With each week that passed where I didn't lose any or enough weight, I would get more and more stressed out. In my mind, failure wasn't an option but success was getting less probable and that fight was draining my energy all the time. The idea of coming up to December 31st and failing in such a public way was terrifying and then my therapist asked "So what? What will really happen if you don't lose 100 pounds this year?" This gave me pause. I will be disappointed but I will still be in a better place than I was December 31st of last year. My friends will still be my friends. My husband will still be proud of me. My son will still think I am the best momma in the world. What a relief! This doesn't mean that my goal has changed. I still plan on losing 100 pounds in 2013 but it means that the world won't end if I only lose 60! Leave you with this powerful quote :)

I'm allergic to WHAT?

Anyone who has been following my blog know that I am always thinking I am allergic or sensitive to something. First it was gluten/wheat. Then it was dairy. Tomatoes and nightshade vegetables followed. This is all because I am dealing with hives and itching all the time. Drives me nuts. So I decided to find out once and for all what I am allergic to and got some tests done. I just picked up the results and out of 200 foods, I am sensitive to the following:

• Bananas
• Pineapple
• Blueberries
• Cranberries
• Lemon

Oh and let's not forget cabbage!! Only I would be allergic to FRUIT! Dairy...no worries. Wheat? Not at all. Tomatoes....NOPE! Freaking fruit salad and coleslaw. Summer picnics be damned :)

So I guess it is good news but it certainly doesn't answer why I am itching like I need to be de-loused all the time. The doctor performed some other tests and it looks like I am severely enzyme deficient. This is kind of comical in a way since I work for a company that specializes in enzymes yet I don't actually take them. "I don't find I need them, I am not bloated." Well sister, looks like you do! I also have a lot of inflammation in my ileum, which is the last part of your small intestine. I guess a colonic is in order. Good times, good times...

The doctor wants me to take enzymes and probiotics (along with my other supplements), follow a grain-free and low coffee diet (she actually said no coffee but I am pretending I heard LOW coffee) and come back in three weeks for a follow up. This is my first step in eating to heal my body, not to lose weight. Feels kind of liberating!

Everyone needs therapy!

I have determined that everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their lives. I had mentioned that I was going to see a psychologist about my eating this week and it went really well. It is amazing what comes up within four walls of no judgement. It was an interesting experience and I uncovered a lot in just one hour. I felt like I was babbling the whole time but when she reframed what I said back to me it gave me pause. I spend SO much time in my head that it was kind of nice to step outside of it for a minute.

It has taken me a few days to kind of process the major things we discussed. It is one thing to uncover something, it is another to figure out what the hell to do with it. I am going to share some of it here now that I have a better grasp on things.

IDENTITY

My weight has always been a part of my identity from the time I was a little girl. When I was younger it made me into the "funny one". I was the class clown and that worked for me. I always had lots of friends and lots of fun. In my early 20's while I was at University I was the FAT NUTRITIONIST. I fell in love with nutrition and determined that I was going to use this knowledge and passion to figure this whole weight thing out. I was going to start a clinic, write a book and be on Oprah! This dream of mine is one I carry to this day (except the being on Oprah bit....damn retirement!). In my mid to my late twenties, I embraced the BBW label. Big Beautiful Woman. If that wasn't identifying with your size, I don't know what is. After 30, I resolved to get this weight off once and for all. I started sharing my story with everyone I met. The fat nutritionist was back at it.

Now I am 37, a new mom, a wife, the head of a marketing department and trying to get comfortable in all of these new roles.  My identity isn't so defined by my size now and I am struggling a bit with that. I guess part of me feels I am giving up on the dream I have carried so long but the other part of me is SO ready to move on. There is this internal struggle going on as I am trying to figure out who I am now versus who I have always been. I guess I feel a little lost and you know what? That is OK. We all go through phases and changes in our lives. My life has changed course and in so many positive ways, time for me to embrace it.

FOCUS

When I was talking with the Doctor she made a really good observation. I was going on and on about how I change programs all the time, am always thinking about what I can and can't eat, reading new things about diet on an almost daily basis. I said I am obsessed with getting that scale to move down but I am tired of trying to figure out how to make it happen. She replied with "Do you think you are maybe bored or burned out on the whole weight thing?" I am beyond burned out on it but I know I need to get healthier. So she suggested I focus on just that, HEALTH. She liked the idea of intuitive eating and encouraged me to continue following the principles but if there are certain things I know are health concerns, focus on those and make choices that support change in those areas. I am blessed with the knowledge base to be able to deal with most of my health issues myself but I have always had such a singular focus on weight that they fell to the wayside. Perhaps just taking the focus off weight for a while will help me to better take care of myself because what I have been doing up to now has not been taking good care of me. I really want to be a healthy and happy mom for Aidan and I don't have to be 130 pounds to do that.

I walked away from this session understanding myself a little bit more. I am going through a period of change and that is a good thing but also a scary thing. Time to relax into the process and see where it takes me. I am going to see a Naturopathic Doctor on Wednesday so I can begin to deal with some of the health issues that have been underlying for awhile. If she mentions weight (which she will) I am going to say that I have it covered and that I would rather focus on my other issues for now.  I am feeling much more at peace the last few weeks so I must be heading in the right direction.

IE Principle #3: MAKE PEACE WITH FOOD

Well it was a week ago today that I quit Weight Watchers in my attempt to get off the diet rollercoaster and embrace intuitive eating. I would say I am definitely no longer dieting and the waist of my pants might agree. Damn me and my extreme personality. I have enjoyed eating the past week (we had company for part of it) but now I am going to really start focusing on LISTENING to what my body needs instead of what my brain is tell me it wants. It is really like a little angel/devil on my shoulder situation. I am also going to speak with a counselor tonight about food addiction because I know that I need help in dealing with that.

Today I am going to look at the third principle of intuitive eating: MAKE PEACE WITH FOOD

The premise of this principle is to give yourself unconditional permission to eat. The thought is that labeling a food as bad or off limits can lead to intense feelings of self-deprivation. When you finally give into the craving, you may over-eat and feel guilty. Oh boy, can I relate to this! Many times I have ended up indulging on something I thought I could never eat and would never eat again. When I say indulging, I mean binging like it was my last supper! I have such a love-hate relationship with food and that is one of the main reasons I wanted to adopt this philosophy. I don’t want to pass my messed up thoughts on food to my kids and definitely not my messed up habits.

Food to me has always been anything but fuel. It has been comfort. It has been punishment. It has been control. It has been grams of carbohydrates or “Points” or allowances. I have dissected it right down to the micro and macro nutrients.  It has never just been FOOD. I am so sick of looking at it as anything but what it truly is; energy for my body.  When I first read this principle I thought IMPOSSIBLE. How am I going to give myself unconditional permission to eat and not end up 400 pounds?! Then I re-read it. It says unconditional permission to eat, not to OVEREAT. There is the difference. I am so used to feast or famine that the concept of “normal” eating is foreign to me. This principle will take some work but when I get it, I think my whole life with benefit. I can’t imagine how much time will be freed up by not obsessing about what foods I should and shouldn’t eat or how many points/carbs are in my meals. Making peace with food is like making love not war. It is time to love my body instead of battling it. I am calling a truce!

I'm a quitter!

We think of quitting in a negative way but what about when someone quits something that no longer serves them? Quitting smoking for example. Last night I quit Weight Watchers. I didn't give up on losing weight but I quit the program I was on. It was not easy to do but I am so glad I did. I feel relieved to be moving forward in a more positive direction.

I went back and was re-reading some of my initial posts from January when my plan was all shiny and new. Part of me felt bad that I wasn't following through but then I thought about Albert Einstein's definition of insanity.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

What I have been doing to myself both physically and mentally is insane. I know better and that is why I get so frustrated with myself! My history of one extreme diet after another is the definition of insanity. I am excited about the days, weeks and months ahead. This is whole new territory for me but it feels like home. It is where I need to be. Fitting that I finally bit the bullet on International No Diet Day. It was like a sign that I was making the right decision. I shared this on my Facebook but I will share it here as well. After my visceral reaction to my weigh-in yesterday, it is a message that I need to adopt as fact.

Week 18 Update: Fork in the road, not in the pie!

HI Everyone,

This past week has been a very interesting one and overall I would say a success even if the scale doesn't agree. I was up 1.1 pounds this morning and very surprised by that. I was expecting a moderate loss, maybe the 1.6 pounds I had put on the week before and a little extra. Definitely wasn't expecting to be up but it happened for a reason. There is a lesson to be learnt from this I am sure.

Let me tell you about my week last week. I started applying the concepts of Intuitive Eating. I was listening to my body and making choices that served me in that moment. I actually felt very peaceful (for lack of a better term) the whole week. On Saturday I even remarked to my husband "Even if I am not down a lot this week, I feel happy knowing that I really listened to what my body needed and made good choices". That was Saturday, on Sunday the weigh-in stress started kicking in and Jon and I fought like cats and dogs all day. By the end of the day, I was feeling really anxious about the next morning. Woke up this morning, went to weigh-in and was up a piddly 1.1 pounds. I felt like I was going to cry.  As I was standing there, fighting back the tears and knowing I had spent the week prior making good choices for myself, the gal who weighed me in passed me a tracker. She said to track on paper the next week so my leader could tell me what I was doing wrong next Monday. That is so opposite of where my head is at right now, so completely opposite. Of course she was just offering a suggestion to try to help but it highlighted the importance of me moving forward with this intuitive eating.  I need to get to a place where a weigh-in doesn't unravel me emotionally and overshadow all of the good that happened leading up to it. That place is not within the walls of Weight Watchers. I think I have come to this conclusion. It is a great program for some but for me it is detrimental to where I am at right now.

So whats my next step? Keep working the principles of IE and deciding how I am going to measure my success. Part of me wants to weigh daily. It seems counter intuitive but  removing that weekly anticipation might be a very good thing for me. Another part of me thinks I should weigh-in every 2 weeks and measure my waist circumference on the off weeks. Regardless of the scale, I need to learn to focus more on the NSV "Non-scale victories" like how great I felt last week. I am a much healthier and happier woman than I was 4 months ago and I know I will be even healthier and happier 4 months from now. It is a process and for me, one of trial and error. Most importantly, I feel like I am heading in the right direction.  I mean how can getting in tune with your body be wrong?

IE Principle 2: Honor Your Hunger

I have a few days of trying to be more in tune with my eating under my belt. I have unsubscribed to all of my weight loss newsletters/blogs and I am trying to figure out what to do with all of my weight loss books. I am still unsure about cancelling my Weight Watchers membership, it feels like a big step that I might not be quite ready to make. I am working on “rejecting the diet mentality” but it is so deeply engrained that I know it will take some time. I also know that until I do, I will never be able to fully embrace intuitive eating. Today I am going to begin looking at the 2^nd principle of intuitive eating:

Honor Your Hunger

This principle is all about the importance of keeping your body fed so you don’t trigger that primal drive to over-eat. Once we reach that point of being famished, all good intentions go out the window. You just want to eat and you will eat anything you can get your hands on. The intention of eating moderately or consciously became a distant memory. It is all about listening to your body and knowing its signals so that you never reach that point of excessive hunger.

I have a weird history with hunger. When I was a teenager someone told me to embrace the feeling of hunger because when my stomach was rumbling that meant my body had to use fat to survive. I took this nugget of info and ran with it. I loved when I felt that way however I could only hold onto the feeling for so long before I cracked. This was the beginning of my binging episodes. I would starve myself all day and then binge at night. I also just kept getting bigger and bigger. During my first year of university I realized that this disordered eating so I worked at fixing it and my weight started to move in a more positive direction. Unfortunately I became almost panicked when I would feel hungry so for years I never allowed myself to get to that point because it was uncomfortable for me.

 Two extremes, neither good.

Now I can live with the feelings of hunger (I am hungry right now!) but I don’t really trust my body and mind to decipher between true hunger and emotional hunger. This will take some time. I have been trying to become more aware of what those signals are and what some of my habits are. For example, often when I am hungry I have a cup of coffee. It fills me up, perks me up and I love the taste. This week instead of reaching for that quick fix, I have been asking “What does my body need right now?” usually it is some water and a few almonds or a piece of fruit.  If the answer is “A coffee” then so be it, but at least I took the moment to reflect on the situation.

This is also about not always eating to the clock. Just because it is noon, doesn’t mean you have to eat lunch. Similarly, just because it is 3pm doesn’t mean you can’t have dinner (call me Grandma!). It is about eating when you are hungry to fuel your body. Not because the clock tells you to, not because there is food there so you might as well, not because you are bored. You eat because you are hungry and you never allow yourself to get so hungry that you lose control. Hmmmm sounds doable right? Time will tell!

IE Principle 1: Reject the diet mentality

I am a very blessed woman. After my update yesterday I had an outpouring of messages from friends and family telling me to keep fighting the fight. Others reached out to let me know that they are experiencing the same things in their own weight loss journey. While I wouldn’t ever wish this struggle on anyone, it was so comforting to know I am not alone. I want to assure you all that I am not giving up, I am just examining my options. I feel like I am on the wrong path and it is time for a course correction. The issue lies in that I am not sure what my path should be. It will take some time but I am committed to figuring that out.

The other day I mentioned the concept of Intuitive Eating, for some reason this is really resonating with me. It consists of 10 principles that I want to examine more in depth beginning today with principle 1.    If you want to check out the website it is: www.intuitiveeating.org  

Intuitive Eating Principle 1: Reject the Diet Mentality

The basic premise of this principle is that you have to dismiss and dispose of all books, articles, magazines and websites that you have access to on the topic of weight loss. I have a freaking library….no word of a lie! Many of these books have never been read and many have been read over and over again. I call it my library of dreams. What the people behind these principles say is that these tools are lies and it is time we get angry at all of the lies and misinformation we have been fed. Every new twist, every new gimmick, every new diet is just another way to prey on people desperate to lose weight. This is a big business and for good reason, we keep buying what is being sold.

This is the first principle because if you even allow one small hope linger that a new and better diet might be around the corner, you have no chance of truly discovering intuitive eating. Holding onto the dream of the quick fix simply makes learning to eat this way impossible. I get it, I really do but my god does it scare me! My whole life has been centered around my weight. I am a professional nutritionist AND a professional dieter….how messed up is that?  The hope that the next thing I try will be the miracle is what keeps me fighting the fight. If I ever stopped searching I always feared that would mean I was giving up. This is not me giving up.  This is me giving up on the false promises, this is me no longer buying the bullshit that so called “experts” are selling, this is me looking internally for the answers rather than externally for the solution but this is NOT me giving up on being a slimmer, healthier woman.

This is going to take some work.  There will be white knuckling for sure. I will have to unsubscribe from numerous blogs/newsletters I get. I will have to get rid of my books (book burning anyone?) because I don’t want to pass this poison onto anyone else. I will have to stop looking at the magazines at the grocery store checkout (go screw yourself “First for Women”).  This might be extra difficult for me because I work in an industry where weight loss is a big part of it. Nutrition is my livelihood and my passion. I just have refocus my energy from researching all things weight loss to all things health. Ultimately I will have to quit Weight Watchers to forge the path on my own but I am not there yet.  I still feel that glimmer of the “next big thing” in the back of my mind. Like I said, this is going to take some work but I am not afraid of a little hard work.

Week 17 Update: Up and down, round and round.

What a ride this is! I am up 1.4 pounds this week. I am not surprised to be honest. My body loves to stay at the weight it is at. People have certain set-points where the body is comfortable and unfortunately, this is one of mine. Add onto that the fact that I was not very good last week and I am counting my blessings that I am not up more.

I am struggling. Really struggling with this program. Well not the program itself, I am struggling with being ON a program. The last post about tweaking things really opened my eyes to a few facts and I have felt a sense of uneasiness since. The fact of the matter is, obesity is a disease I am going to have to manage for the rest of my life. I am NOT managing it by doing all of the extreme things I do. Being lax all week in my eating and then low carbing on the weekend in time for the weigh-in on monday, I am not winning the war with behaviours like that. Who am I fooling? Maybe the lady weighing me in at Weight Watchers but what does she care? I weigh in, feel a moment of truimph or defeat and then it is back to the same pattern again. It is like a carnival game that you keep playing even though the odds of winning are slim to none.

What I ultimately want is to eat like a "normal" person. So I googled "Eating like a normal person" and I came across the concept of Intuitive Eating. This both resonated with me and scared the shit out of me. I don't trust myself enough to just simply listen to my body. I don't trust my body enough to tell me the truth. This intuitive eating concept is not new but it is new to me. There are 10 principles and if you will indulge me, I am going to blog my way through them over the next few weeks. Something needs to change because what I have done for the last 25 years of my life has not worked.
I want off of this weight loss roller coaster because  if I don't get off soon, it will make me sick.

TWEAKING OUT!

One of the promises that I made to myself when I started this journey almost 4 month's ago is that I would stay the course. I wouldn't get impatient and start playing with the program. I wouldn't "tweak" things all the time. Well this last month I have been tweaking out....tweaking out BIG time.

When I talk about tweaking things I am talking about making small changes in hopes that they will lead to big results. All they usually do is distract me and take me off course. They also lead to a lot of disappointment when the result is not what I wished for. Why do I do it then? Well, I am not quite sure to be honest. A big part of it is my impatience and boredom with the mundane. Following a "diet" gets bland. It gets tedious. This is why most people only last on a diet for a short period of time. The long term payoff is rarely as rewarding as the short term temptation. Another reason why I tweak things is to make it my "own" program. Something I played a part in creating. This goes back to my desire to be the fat nutritionist who fixes her problems, writes a New York Times best-seller and helps millions of people get healthy. Pipe dream? Perhaps but it is my pipe dream.

So when this impatience or my delusions of grandeur take over, I start making little changes. Here are the tweaks I have done so far since I started Weight Watchers on January 1st, 2013:

1. Gluten-free
2. Gluten-free and low carb
3. Low carb after noon each day
4. Bullet-proof coffee (this is basically coconut blended into your coffee instead of cream) for breakfast instead of a meal
5. 3 Day juice fast

These are the tweaks I have considered but not jumped on (yet):

1. Replacing 2 meals per day with a Vegan shake
2. 21 day raw food cleanse
3. Dairy Free
4. Intermittent fasting (meaning I only eat between noon and 7pm each day)
5. 100% sugar free

This list is quite embarrassing to be honest because I know the answer to my weight loss success doesn't lie in any of these tweaks. It doesn't even lie in Weight Watchers. The weight will come off for good when I start honouring my body by feeding it healthy foods and being happy. I am a NUTRITIONIST for f#$k sake. I know better, I just struggle with doing better. I am way off course but I am aware of it and I think that is half the battle. Time to start honouring my body, honouring my mind and honouring my commitment to myself. I need to get a hold of myself and stop tweaking out.

Week 16 Update: I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Wow what a busy time the last few weeks have been. I decided to take a little break from the blog and Facebook so that I could give my 100% attention to some other things in my life. My intended one week off has turned into almost 3 but I am back and I am feeling recharged. Thanks for all of you that have reached out to me, I am doing great! Just honoring the need to unplug from it all from time to time.

First off, let me share my weigh-in results: Since my last post I have lost 3.6 pounds and have FINALLY broken the 30 pound mark (down 31.1 pounds to be exact). I didn’t make my April 1^st goal but I did reach it during April so that is a success in my books. Another success was an uneventful flight to and from Vancouver. I did not feel any more uncomfortable than the average person and did not require a seatbelt extender. I wasted so much energy worrying about that trip and I am certain when I say that this was the last time that flying will be so stressful for this girl.

In other modes of transportation, we bought a new vehicle. Our Buick was going to be requiring a new steering system, tires and transmission so it was time to retire that ride. While initially very reluctant to the idea, we ended up buying a Dodge Grand Caravan. That’s right folks…a minivan! I didn’t see that coming but you can’t beat the practicality. Parenthood can sure increase your lameness quotient. That said; I am digging my “Loser Cruiser” as my BFF so kindly called it.  She’s just jealous! J

Another very positive change that April has brought about is that Jon and I are getting along much better. I think taking a step back from all the pressure I was putting on myself has given me the energy to put into my marriage. We are a work in progress but the atmosphere in our home is so much lighter and more relaxed. If you read this babe, I love you and am thankful for everything you do and everything you are to our little family. We are all very blessed.

On the diet front, I have been all over the map. Some days are good, others are bad. My resolve to not “tweak” the program is long gone and I am trying all sorts of things from “bullet-proof” coffee to juice fasts. I know I know TRUST ME, I KNOW! That is the subject of my next blog post.

Big hugs to you all! I have a lot of catching up to do so if I missed a Facebook post, I apologize. I should be all caught up soon.  

 

Week 14 Update: Losing steam and not much else.....

I am coming to dread Monday mornings....I feel like I have lost my weight loss mojo. There is so much going on these days at home and at work that I am once again falling off my own radar. When I didn't reach my 30 pound goal last week it took the wind right out of my sails. It made me start doubting myself and this whole process. Typical Louise, folding at the first sign of failure. This week I was down on the scale a whole 0.1 pounds, not surprising after the week of self-pity and indulgence I had.

I have my trip to Vancouver this week and will be glad once that is over. I am looking forward to the trade show and seeing all of my co-workers. I am not looking forward to the flight and the pain of being on my feet all day. Trade shows are punishing on a body like mine. I am recommitting to the process and myself once I get back. Back to tracking my food, back to walking, back to reaffirming my goals and back to blogging. So I am signing off for a week or so but I will be back and I will be back with a new energy. Thanks for the support and keep up the great work to all my friends on this journey with me.

Week 13 Update: Happy Birthday to ME :)

Good old Monday mornings. This morning was one of mixed emotions for me. Excitement because it is my birthday and we have a new graphic designer starting at work today. Fear because it was my weigh-in and my 3 month progress point. I had set the goal of being down 30 pounds by my birthday and as of last week, was 1.1 pounds away. Sadly, I actually gained 1.6 pounds this week so didn't reach my goal. I am very disappointed but am going to shake it off.

I have been learning so much from this process and do feel like this time it is going to happen once and for all. I have to embrace all of the ups and downs and that is what I am trying to do. It is hard not to be too hard on myself, that is my nature. I didn't reach this goal but I will (and very soon).

I am going to re-focus and set a stretch goal of being down 40 pounds by May 1st. I have been a little too relaxed with my eating and exercising (or lack thereof) lately.  I thrive under pressure so hopefully this will get me back on track. What I do know for sure is that this time next year when I turn 38 years old, I will be a whole new chick. Same person on the inside with a more vibrant and healthier body on the outside.

So Happy Birthday old girl, you aren't perfect but you are doing your best! Keep up the good work :)

PCOS treatment options for Cysters TRYING to get pregnant

FINALLY I am getting a chance to post this. I have been so busy with work and life that I would get working on this post and then have to put it aside. Thanks for the patience! Likely only one or two of you is trying to get pregnant and has PCOS but if this helps you then I am a happy gal!

I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome when I was 13 and had more than one doctor tell me that children might not be in my future. I had not given up but had come to terms with that idea after going without birth control for years with no luck. That was until a doctor gave me not only hope but a plan. I am going to share that plan with you all.

1) Find out IF you are ovulating. I always assumed that if you had a period that you were ovulating but I was wrong. I had bought those ovulation kits  and because my cycle was so screwed up I just assumed that I was missing that right times to use the kit. As it turns out, I was not ovulating at all. No wonder I wasn't getting pregnant! I was sent home from my first appt with this hormone specialist with the homework of determining if and when I ovulated. You can imagine my surprise when the whole month went by and NOTHING. When you know better you can do better right?

(A little aside about ovulation kits. If you are trying to get pregnant do not time your intercourse to what the kit says, it creates stress and often if you have ovulated you are already too late. Instead, use them to determine if and when you normally ovulate (just to make sure you are) and then just try to have sex frequently with every 2nd or 3rd day being ideal. Those kits cost a fortune and are not necessary).

2) Once I found out I wasn't ovulating I was put on progesterone cream. Blood tests often show "normal" blood levels of progesterone but if the test is not done on the right day of your cycle, that can be misleading. Most women with PCOS could use progesterone therapy. Within one month of starting I was not only ovulating but having a normal, light period. It was amazing.

3) Take Metformin. Now I am not normally a big pusher of drugs but this can be a miracle for women trying to conceive with PCOS. It certainly was for me. By normalizing the insulin and blood sugar levels in my body, I normalized the hormone levels. Some research also shows that metformin reduces the risk of miscarriage if taken during the first trimester as well as gestational diabetes later in the pregnancy. Metformin can be hard to get used to, it wrecks havoc on your digestive system, but those symptoms generally improve within the first two weeks.

4) Once you do conceive stay on the progesterone cream for the first 12 weeks as it also reduces the risk of miscarriage (a big concern for PCOSers).

If you have been trying to conceive try these steps and hopefully the outcome will be positive. If you have a doctor who isn't taking you seriously, find a new doctor. Ask to see an endocrinologist and get a proper diagnosis. Many doctors see an overweight patient and don't give them the care they deserve. Advocate for yourself and read as much as you can about this disorder. Knowledge is power. Feel free to send me any questions you have about PCOS. If you are in the Toronto area, I can share some names of doctors who specialize in progesterone therapy (they are not easy to find!). I am here to help and from one Cyster to another...there is hope.

Week 12 Update: April 1st goal is around the corner!

HI everyone,

Happy Monday! As usual today is weigh-in day and I am pleased to say I am down 2.2 pounds. I am kind of surprised as I have been waffling a bit (excuse the poor use of terms....mmmmmm waffles). I have been playing with the program, falling off the wagon and just feeling over-whelmed and under-motivated. My weight watchers week begins on Tuesday so tomorrow morning it is right back on track with the program. I am going to stick gluten-free for the most part because I feel better off the wheat but I want to avoid going too low carb. Been there, done that.

Next Monday, April 1st, is my 37th birthday and my first goal of being down 30 pounds. I am 1.1 pounds away so I know I can do it. It is all about focus and not stressing out too much. Easier said than done with the crazy week ahead and then EASTER weekend but I know I can do it. I will feel so good once I hit that goal, much better than how good any chocolate easter bunny could make me feel. I just have to keep that in mind.

To all my fellow PCOS'ers I haven't forgotten about you and I will be posting my PCOS and Pregnant post soon. Last week was crazy nuts and this weekend my little monkey was sick. I am almost done researching and writing it so I am hoping to post tomorrow.

To everyone else, thanks for all of the support. I love hearing your updates and so many of you are doing so well. If you aren't where you want to be there is no time better than the present to get back on track. We all struggle from time to time and as you can read from my posts, I am no exception. This is a process and one which will have ups and downs but the freedom that comes from reclaiming your body and health makes it all worth it.

Why oh why am I afraid to fly?

This morning I was going to finish my blog on PCOS but I am compelled to fess up and blog about something else. As I sit her with hot oil on my head to try to pull some dye out of my hair (it is BLACK! Not exactly the look I was going for), I am trying to understand the way my mind works. I am falling into an old pattern that is so self destructive yet so common for me. Let me explain.

In 3 weeks from now at this exact time I will be waiting to get on a plane to Vancouver. Flying as a big person is stressful and for me I worry about it constantly. I am not worried about crashing, I am not worried about fitting in the seat or even having to ask for a seat belt extender. For me, I am worried about making the person I am flying beside uncomfortable and invading their space. It makes me feel literally sick to my stomach when I think about it. It goes back to a flight I was on to Halifax many years ago where I was in the window seat and this big man (not fat, just tall and broad) had the middle seat. There was another man in the aisle seat. The fellow in the middle seat called over the stewardess and DEMANDED a new seat. He said he was being squished (we all were) and wanted to move. The only option was a seat at the very back by the bathrooms. When he found that out he made a big stink that I should be the one to give up my seat since I was causing the problem (which actually wasn't the case, it was the combination of the 3 of us that was the main issue!). I was only 25 and now I would have stood up for myself but in order to prevent further humiliation I said I would move. So I gave up my window seat to this asshole and moved to the back walking by all these staring eyes (some sympathetic, others laughing) and sat there trying to hold back tears. It sucked big time!

I have known about this trip since I arrived back to work in December. It is one of our yearly trade shows. Now that it is less than a month away my stress about the flight is going through the roof. Add to it the first goal of being 30 pounds down by April 1st (my birthday) and I am feeling a lot of pressure to get as much weight off as I can. Cue the problem.......self sabotage. I have been eating like crap since Monday after my weigh in. Gluten-galore, chocolate, we even had pizza last night. I am paying the price physically (digestive issues, sore knees, mood swings) and I know I will pay the price on the scale. Why do I do this to myself????? It is a pattern that has repeated itself in my weight loss battle time and time again. I hope that I can get to the bottom of it and maybe that will require some outside guidance.

It is back on track today and I am buckling down. I have to stop these destructive patterns and focus again at what I want to accomplish: Lasting and healthy weight loss. So please send me positive vibes to get over this hump and carry on with the task at hand. I can't wait for the day that I look forward to flying high in the sky where my only worry is what movie to watch.

Week 11 update: Slooooooow and steady wins the race?

Well it is Monday and of course, weigh-in day. I was a little concerned about the scale this week. I just didn’t feel like I had lost anything and I barely did; - 0.6 pounds which is better than nothing I suppose. I want to be down 30 pounds by my birthday April 1^st so I have 2 weeks to lose 3.4 pounds. Fingers crossed.

Jon and I have been doing a candida cleanse since March 1^st. He is finishing today and I am going to continue on for another 15 days at least. He did amazing, it is not an easy process to undergo but in 3 weeks he lost 10 pounds! Way to go hon, proud of you!

I just wanted to send a big congrats to all of you my friends and followers of the blog that are experiencing their own successes. Weight loss, quitting smoking, getting out of debt…so much inspiration! It keeps me trucking when I am feeling like giving up so thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.

PCOS Treatment options for Cysters NOT trying to get pregnant!

Today I am going to discuss some treatment options for my PCOS buddies who are NOT trying to get pregnant. I will discuss options for pregnancy and infertility later on. There is some overlap but there are some very important differences in how you approach the disease if you are trying to conceive.

Diet is foremost as I mentioned in my last post but there are lots of conventional and natural treatment options to help deal with the symptoms of PCOS and it's underlying cause. These treatments below are in no particular order:

1) Liver Support: It is very important to support your liver so that it can effectively process and eliminate excess hormones and toxins. Starting your day with lemon in warm water primes the liver but more aggressive treatment is necessary. I recommend a liver support formula taken daily that combines common detoxifying herbs like milk thistle and dandelion. You want to make sure that it also contains alpha lipoic acid and N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC for short). These are both supportive of the liver but also lower blood sugar. I use Renew Life Critical Liver Support and swear by it. It is not cheap but it has everything in one formula versus having to by the components separately.

2) D-Chiro Inositol or Myo-Inositol: These are of paramount importance. D-Chiro Inositol (DCI for short) helps the body respond to insulin more effectively. It has been shown that women with PCOS are low in DCI. Taking it as a supplement at a dose of about 1200mg per day has shown to reverse insulin resistance and greatly decrease symptoms of PCOS (excessive hair growth, acne, skin tags, lack of ovulation etc). The issue is D-Chiro Inositol is VERY expensive. The good news is that taking Myo-inositol is an alternative. The body can convert Myo inositol into DCI. You have to take 2000-3000mg per day of Myo-inositol so I recommend buying a powder form. AOR and Metagenics both make this and it works out to be much more economical than DCI.

3) Chromium: This mineral helps to stabilize blood sugar and thankfully is very cheap. Chromium GTF 250 mg can be taken with each meal.

4) Birth Control Pills: I put this in here with hesitation because I had a hell of a time when I went off them. They will help to normalize your cycle but there are other more natural ways to do that as mentioned above. However if you are being completely ruled by your periods (as I was) you have to do what you have to do. I was having extremely heavy periods that would last a month or longer. It was debilitating. I was put on the pill when I was 13 and stayed on it for almost 18 years. Too long for sure.

5) Spirolactone: This is another option that I mention with hesitation and I would try D-Chiro Inositol first but Spirolactone is very effective at lowering testosterone and eliminating hair growth. This is a very embarrassing problem for women and can be overwhelming to handle. I am blessed that my issues in this regard are minor and can easily be taken care of with a strip of wax and a trip to the spa.. Many women end up shaving their faces making things much, much worse. Spirolactone, traditionally used for blood pressure, will eliminate these issues in extreme cases. You definitely cannot use this drug if there is a chance you could become pregnant because it can cause the baby to develop as a hermaphrodite.

6) Fish Oils: Everyone should be taking omega-3 fatty acids from fish oils but especially anyone with blood sugar issues. They have been proven to decrease insulin resistance. They also reduce the risk of heart disease, diabetes and stroke which are all common in women with PCOS.

7) Metformin: This drug, traditionally used for treating type 2 diabetes, is now the go-to drug for treating PCOS. I am going to get into this more when I discuss pregnancy but this is a good option for people not responding to natural treatment (although it doesn't come without some side-effects). More on Metformin next time.

Hey Soul Cyster!

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was thirteen. Back in the day they just put you on birth control pills and told you to lose weight. Easier said than done! Now there are many more treatment options for women with PCOS and many that are natural and proven effective. The problem is with so many women going undiagnosed; these treatments are often overlooked (especially when it comes to infertility). Infertility is BIG BUSINESS. Many women going through the process and spending their life savings have PCOS. The issue lies in that you don’t necessarily have to have cysts in your ovaries to have PCOS. Not all Doctors believe this though. If the ultrasound is clear, PCOS is not the issue. This is not the case. I have had many ultrasounds in my life, sometimes I have had so many cysts in my ovaries that it looked like a pile of pearls and at other times the ultrasound was clear. It is better to look at the list of symptoms I posted yesterday and decipher from there. Like I said, I can pretty much pick PCOS women out of a line up. The signs are clear even when the ultrasound results are not.

In today’s post I am going to talk about dietary intervention for PCOS. As I said yesterday, it all comes down to high insulin levels. If you control the amount of insulin the body releases, you produce fewer male hormones. The way to control insulin is to limit the amount of sugar and carbohydrate you ingest. In general, we eat way too much carbohydrate (and not nearly enough protein and good fats). Fat is not the enemy, carbs are. The underlying issue is insulin resistance. It is complex and there are many factors that contribute but here is the “Coles notes” version:

Insulin resistance occurs when cell receptors do not respond to the action of insulin. When this occurs the cells don’t get the glucose from the blood, blood glucose levels remain high and a signal is sent to the pancreas to make more insulin. High circulating insulin and high blood sugar lead to high levels of androgen (male hormones) and fat storage.

How do we fix insulin resistance? It all comes down to what you eat. To treat PCOS and reverse insulin resistance follow these dietary rules. They work, I am proof.

1)      Limit your carbohydrate intake to under 100 grams per day. Some people may need to reduce it to less depending on how insulin resistant you are. I find I feel my best and my symptoms are lessened if I keep my carb count to under 50 grams. Most people get over 200 grams of carbohydrate daily in North America….way too much!

2)      Eat a whole food diet and avoid artificial sweeteners. Try to avoid processed foods as much as possible. Look at food as your medicine and your healer.

3)      Fat is not bad but you want to make sure you are balancing your fats. I am not a fan of vegetable oils in general (corn, canola, vegetable), they are too high in omega-6 fats which can cause inflammation. We get far too much of them in our diet. What you want to be eating is good quality saturated fats like coconut oil and butter. Now there is some limited research that showed that a high fat diet caused an increase in insulin resistance in rats. I don’t put a lot of faith in it though because they didn’t control the calories or the source of fat. Make sure you also get omega-3 fats from fish, nuts and seeds. They have been proven to increase the cells sensitivity to insulin.

4)      Eat fibre and lots of it! Try to get 30-40 grams daily (the average Canadian gets around 10 grams per day). Fibre is proven to reduce insulin resistance. There are lots of benefits to fibre but that’s a post for another day!

Make these 4 dietary changes and you will notice a marked difference in symptoms such as hair growth, acne and abdominal weight. In time, your menstrual cycle should start to regulate as well. Control the insulin and you will control the PCOS.

I will talk about natural and conventional methods of treatment in my next post. It is amazing what help is out there that many people don’t know about.