Grass is Greener Syndrome

Everyone has it. I really think this is true. We all have some area of our lives where we think someone else has it so much better. I call it "Grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

It might be your employment  "I wish I had a job like Henry, he is always so happy!" or your employee "If my team was as good as  X company, then we would succeed!"

It might be your marriage "If I was single, like I was in my twenties, life would be so much easier" or your lack thereof "God I wish I had a husband like Amy! She has it so good!"

It could even be something material like your car, your house, your shoes. Whatever it might be, we all have that ONE thing that we envy in others. For me it was always THINNESS (that doesn't even look like a real word to me but I checked...it is). I always thought that thin people had it so good. If I could only be thinner, I would be happier. As I have gotten older and wiser I realize that thinness won't bring me everlasting happiness but even with that knowledge, the grass sure looked pristine on the other side of the fence!

So I thought to myself, how do you get what someone has? You watch what they do and you do the same. If their grass is green because they fertilize it weekly and sing it lullabies at night, then you should do the same right? Well conveniently I have quite a few very thin and beautiful friends to observe and what did I learn? Their grass has brown spots and weeds just like mine.

 Many (not all but many) of my thin female friends worry about what they are going to eat as much as I do. They dread the scale as much as I do. They go home after work exhausted and only wanting to spend time with their loved ones but drag their ass to the gym instead. They don't eat carbs. They don't enjoy wine and dessert. They eat before the party so they don't eat at the party. They wouldn't think of having a pumpkin spice latte just for the hell of it. They look over someone else fence and think "God I wish I was like her and didn't have to worry so much about my weight!"

I like food, I like wine, I like pumpkin spice lattes. I even like my curves (although I have some to spare if anyone is looking). If I water my own lawn with a little acceptance, a little more self-care and perhaps a dose of discipline once in awhile, it will become thick and plush like me. It is time to focus on my own backyard for awhile.

265 days down, 100 to go.....

Wow it is hard to believe that it is only 100 days until January 1st, 2014. 100 days until I am supposed to be 100 pounds lighter. Sadly that is not going to be the case, of this I am sure. Could have I lost 100 pounds this year? I think so. Is all lost? Not at all! I have learned so much about myself through this process. Plus I am down 30 pounds which is better than a kick in the junk.

It is hard for me not to compare myself to other people. I am happy for the successes of others but at the same time, they make mine look like failure. This is the sort of thinking I am trying to shake. They are on their journey (and rocking it) and I am on mine which is rocky. I have just come off a "diet bender" of sorts. Week long cycles of feast and famine where I gain and lose the same
5-8 pounds over and over again. I am so freaking out of whack with my eating that I feel like I am in the weeds big time. Not that I am even eating all that crazy, it is just crazy for me. I have 30 years of dieting under my belt and an endocrine disorder that just LOVES to keep me wrapped in this cozy blanket of chub. I can't get away with eating the way others do. I am no saint, but I am not the food anti-christ either!

I woke up this morning and my friend Nanda had posted this on her facebook wall:

"Confused about where to start? Are you stuck in a vicious cycle and afraid to move? I am now taking new Clients for October... is it YOUR time?!"

It hit me like a bolt. I need guidance. I need help and I think Nanda can help me. Ever since my yoga retreat in August I have been really struggling with two ends of the spectrum. On one end I want to lose this weight desperately and reach the goals I set for myself. On the other end I know that I can be overweight and healthy and happy. I am fed up with battling my body but hanging up my weapons feels like giving up. I want to get to that place where I naturally nourish my body because it is the right thing to do, not because I want to see a smaller number on the scale. Nanda can help me get there. I feel it in my bones. She is a holistic nutritionist who treats you from the inside out.
I know, I know, I am also a nutritionist but have you ever heard the saying "Doctor heal thyself"? That is me.

So this next 100 days is not about losing weight. It is about getting right with myself and taking care of myself better than I have in years. It is about losing the shame I feel for dropping the ball on myself and instead feeling proud for what I have accomplished. It is about not wishing for what I don't have and instead being grateful for what I do have. It is about reconnecting with myself, my husband, my friends and family. The next 100 days is about me, not the scale (although it can feel free to start moving in the right direction).

Blog-cation over!

To steal a term from my friend Jamie, my blog-cation is over. I took a break from the blog in August as it was time to focus on other things. My family, my relationship and my job. I did so much writing last month for work that I had very little mental energy left to write anything here. I am fighting the cold from hell so I have very little energy to write anything today either but I wanted to let you all know that I am alive and well....ish.

Last month I went to a very cool yoga retreat that was good for my soul. If anyone lives in Toronto and wants to check out yoga classes specifically for plus size men and women, check out www.tiinaveer.com to learn more about "Yoga for Round Bodies". It gave me time to pause and reflect and two things stood out to me:
1) My body is capable of a lot! I was amazed at what I could do and how good it felt to do it.
2) I am truly a confused soul when it comes to taking care of myself. I have all the knowledge in the world yet lack the ability to apply it on a consistent basis. Knowledge is nothing if you don't put it to good use.

When I came back from the retreat I felt inspired to really look at what I need to do for myself and my family. The first thing was I need to nurture my marriage. I take my husband for granted in a big way. The second thing was I need to take care of myself better. Mentally and physically I need to listen to the gentle cues my body is sending. Today is a good example. Yesterday I was so stressed about taking today off work. I have so much to do and I didn't want to let anyone down even though I knew I would be in no shape to go into the office. The stress of sending that email to my boss telling him I wouldn't be in was really plaguing me (even though I knew he would completely understand) so I decided I would be proactive and let him know yesterday that I didn't think I would be in today. As soon as I made the decision and sent the email I felt so much relief and then could focus on taking care of me. Weird example but it is exactly the small acts of self care I need to start doing.

So I have an idea of where I am going to go from here but today is all about resting and getting better. Thanks to everyone for the continual support. I often feel like I have let you all down but I am hoping that my struggles will help some of you feel comforted about your own. Never in a million years when I started this blog did I think the journey and the blog itself would be so tough but I wouldn't change it.......well I might change a few things! I will post again once I am back on my feet.
Love to all!