Full Moon Rising

Louise this past full moon (and I am only kind of kidding!)

 

“Must be a full moon …” is a common statement whenever people start to act a little crazy. The idea that a full Moon can drive people mad is an old one.  In fact, I think I heard that the term lunatic came from the word lunaticus (which means moonstruck).

Talk to any emergency room nurse or cop and they will attest that the full moon creates chaos. Cases of suicide, arson, and violent crime increase, people suffer from seizures, patients in psychiatric hospitals act out more, and there are more traffic accidents. At least this is the perception but studies have failed to make the connection.

Personally I do notice people act a little more erratically when there is a full moon. Our customer service line is hopping with people asking the strangest questions and everyone seems on edge. This past Monday was a full moon and sure enough, weird stuff was going down. I joined the ranks of CRAZY myself. I was feeling like a bitch on wheels, even to the point of wanting to physically strike out at poor Jon (POOR Jon, I am waiting for one of my readers to move him into a shelter for abused men). Today I am feeling much more civilized thank goodness! So I don’t know if there is any truth to the whole full moon thing but I sure felt it this time around.  I am curious if anyone else has an opinion one way or the other about it. If so, please share J

Week 8 Update: You win some, you lose some!

Well it is Monday and you know what that means….weigh-in day! I was prepared for the worst this morning because I have been taking a lot of pain meds for my back which can cause fluid retention. I am glad I was prepared because I was up 1 pound. I am still down 20 overall so not going to sweat it. Physically I am a hot mess! My back has been having little spasms since Thursday and I went for an emergency chiropractic appointment and he confirmed that I am severely out of whack.  This happened the last time I lost weight as well. It seemed as my body was reshaping, my joints and muscles were slow to catch up throwing everything out of alignment. So begins the 3 time weekly chiropractor appointments but if it works, it is worth it!

Some good news to share from last week, Jon and I finally heard back that our insurance was approved!  I was so stressed out about not being insured now that we have Aidan but having been denied for disability insurance before, I was nervous to apply. We started with mortgage insurance so at least if one of us meets our maker (god forbid) that the mortgage would be paid off. It is the easiest to get approval and the least expensive so we thought we would take a shot. SUCCESS! Now to apply for life insurance that won’t cost an arm and a leg.  These are the little things that I am so sick of having to worry or think about.

I am still eating gluten-free 90% of the time with the goal of being 100% gluten free before long. The biggest thing I notice is my lack of cravings. I am shocked that I am not jonesing for bread all the time. I have even noticed that my after-dinner sweet cravings are diminishing. Very pleased about that! I am feeling like this might be a big part of the solution for me to finally gain control over food instead of food controlling me!

I am glad that February is coming to an end this week. A new month always feels like a fresh start (especially when Spring will be greeting us at the end of it). This month has been a struggle and at times  I feel like I am losing steam. I am blessed though because everyone’s encouragement kicks my ass when I can’t kick my own. Thanks for that! I will leave you with a laugh, excuse the F-bomb but sometimes it just seems to fit the occasion!

 

Is adrenal fatigue sucking the life out of you?

Feeling better today and the best news, Jon is still alive and kicking! I went back to bed after my post yesterday and slept till after 12 pm which is rare for me. I think I was just utterly exhausted and maybe needing a break. That said I did decide to put together a post on adrenals because I am sure many of us are suffering from insufficient adrenal gland function. So this is just a collection of information to help you determine if you might be suffering from adrenal fatigue and if so, what you can do about it.

Do you have adrenal fatigue?

Signs to look for are:

• Trouble getting up in the morning even if you went to bed early the night before.
• Never feeling fully rested.
• Feeling overwhelmed with life and all that is on your plate.
• Gaining weight in the stomach area.
• Needing coffee or sugary snacks to keep you functioning. Crave salty foods.
• Afternoon lull around 3-5 pm and feel best after 6 pm.
• Decreased sex drive.
• Unexplained pain in upper back or neck.
• Moodiness and increased symptoms of PMS.
• Restless legs when trying to fall asleep.

For me it was just a complete feeling of exhaustion and not being myself. I had some, but not all, of the symptoms above. Getting better is a process but thankfully it is possible.

First thing is to try to remove the stressors in your life as much as possible or remove yourself from the stress by going on vacation. When I was so sick in 2008, Jon and I rented a cottage for 2 weeks and I noticed a difference in my energy levels within one day. If you are over-burdened at work, try to delegate some responsibilities elsewhere. If you need more help at home, hire a cleaning service or kick your partner’s ass. If you have friends who are dragging you down, distance yourself. You have to get as much of this stress under control as you can. It isn't easy but to get better, it is necessary.

The second thing you have to do is to change your sleeping habits. Try to be in bed by 10 pm (people with adrenal fatigue tend to get a second wind after 11 pm). Start winding down around 8 by turning all the lights down and trying to stay away from the TV or computer screen. The next point is VERY important: In the mornings try to sleep in as late as possible, to 9 AM if able. Between the hours of 7 and 9 AM your body produces the most cortisol that it will in the day so you will awake feeling much more rested and ready to take on the day. This is one of the biggest things to help you feel better throughout the day but it is also impossible for most people. Do the best you can.

Food: What to eat and what to avoid

• Begin each morning with a glass of water with a sprinkle of sea salt in it (about a 1/2 teaspoon). If you suffer from high blood pressure skip this step.
• ALWAYS eat breakfast and preferably by 10 am.
• Skip fruit at breakfast and focus on high protein and grains. Fruit will spike your blood sugar too rapidly. Always avoid fruits that are high in potassium such as bananas, oranges and figs. I feel terrible to this day if I start my day with orange juice.
• Stay away from caffeine and refined sugars such as chocolate. I know it sucks but these stimulants further stress the adrenal glands and hopefully in time you will find you won't need them to keep you going throughout the day.
• Eat a high protein snack before bed if you have trouble falling asleep such as cottage cheese or yogurt.

There are also some good supplements you can take:

• Vitamin C daily 1000-2000 mgs
• Vitamin E mixed tocopherols 800 IU a day (2 x 400 IU capsules)
• B complex 50 mg twice daily plus added Pantothenic acid (1000 - 1500 mg/day).
• Magnesium citrate (400 mg) taken after 8 pm.
• AdrenaSENSE by Preferred Nutrition is a great supplement that contains many of the herbs (called adaptogens) that are recommended for strengthening the adrenals. It is easier than taking them all separately. Another product I have taken with great results is Adrena-Pro by Can Prev.
• You can also take adrenal extract (which is basically adrenal gland from bovine sources) and DHEA hormones but I only recommend doing this under the supervision and guidance of a Naturopathic doctor.

Adrenal fatigue takes quite a long time to remedy but you can feel the effects of some of these changes pretty quickly. Try sleeping in as much as possible and removing stress. Exercise is important but don't overwork your body. Keep it to brisk walking and light resistance training. If you think you might be suffering from adrenal fatigue, start making some of these changes and do your own research. There is lots of help out there!

Struggling

WOW I am having a hard time these past few days. I am so emotional and really lashing out at my husband. I feel like I am on the verge of losing it. It is not a great feeling that is for sure. Poor Jon has no idea why I am being such a biatch and I don't even know. He can't seem to do anything right but I know that I am just focussing on him because I don't understand what is going on with me. I have this nagging pain in my back which got me to thinking I might be suffering from adrenal fatigue. I have been down this road before, don't want to go there again. This is what happened the last time:

At the beginning of 2008 my life changed dramatically. My energy levels which used to be very high, hit rock bottom. I used to be up at 6 AM easily without the alarm but it started to get very difficult for me to get out of bed. When I did, I never felt rested. I couldn't really get my ass in gear until mid morning and then I would crash again mid-afternoon. My emotions were raw and my threshold for handling stress was very thin.  Jon and I were fighting contstantly. I relied on coffee to get me through the day and had INTENSE cravings for sugar. When it really hit home that something was seriously wrong was in April when Jon and I hired a personal trainer.

Our trainer would come at 6 am in the morning and really work us out 2-3 days a week. Some days I would be strong, others I could barely squeeze out 5 pushups before collapsing. But EVERYDAY when he left, instead of being energized, I crawled back into bed and slept for an hour or two. After 6 weeks of training, my body was not releasing fat at all in fact I had put an inch on around my stomach. WTF right???? It was then I realized I was suffering from something called ADRENAL FATIGUE.

The adrenal glands sit on top of the kidneys and their responsability in our bodies is to regulate stress by producing hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. If you experience prolonged or severe periods of stress, your adrenals can become burned out. This stress can be emotional, physical, or psychological. This means a death in the family, stress at work, an infection in the body, an athlete training too hard, or a divorce can all cause adrenal fatigue. In my case, I had a very bad virus prior to my wedding and then my wedding, plus work stress. The personal training was enough to push things over the edge.

This time around I am not craving sugar too much (I think because I am off gluten) but I seriously cannot get enough coffee!  Yesterday I had 5 cups and was still exhausted. Work has been stressful but not crazy. I am not working out. I honestly don't get why this is happening again but it is time to look into it. I am going to do some research to refresh my memory on Adrenal Fatigue and I will share it with you all tomorrow. If you are carrying a lot of weight in your stomach and you just can't seem to lose it, you might be having adrenal issues. More on this tomorrow and in the meantime, send healing thoughts to my poor husband that I don't kill him before the end of the day!

PHOTOS: 20 pounds lost!

Wow what a difference 20 pounds makes!! I can really see it in the side shots. This made my day I have to say. The human psyche is an interesting thing. I was so happy to have reached my 20 pound goal on Tuesday and then I promptly fell off the gluten free wagon. Back on today but it is amazing how self-sabotage can sneak in.

I am slammed so I will do a more thorough post tomorrow but I wanted to get these up as promised. Happy thursday to all!

Week 7 Update: 1/5 of the way there!!!

We had our weigh-in this morning because Weight Watchers was closed for family day and I am down 1.3 pounds. This brings my total so far to 21 pounds! I am very pleased except it means it is time to do my first follow up pictures...Camera's and I aren't the best of friends but I am working on it! I will post them tomorrow.

This past week I did some things really great and others, not so much. I am getting a little lazy with my tracking, goal setting and drinking my water so that has to change. Remember my post about your body whispering to  you? Well I had a wicked leg cramp Sunday morning that was my body yelling at me  "I am dehydrated dammit!!!". I find it easy to slip back into the habit of drinking coffee till I percolate the stuff, this was just the (painful) reminder I needed.

I have been really good about avoiding gluten and I am sure feeling the benefit. Not only do I feel more energetic overall, I notice a big change in my tummy. I wish I had taken a waist measurement in the beginning but I didn't. Regardless, my clothes are much looser in the past 2 weeks so my shape is changing. Again a word of advice with regards to going gluten-free. AVOID all of the gluten-free replacement foods that are out there (the cookies, breads, crackers, pastas etc). Most of them are made with highly processed rice or potato flour which causes the blood sugar to spike. If you want to lose weight, this is exactly what we are trying to avoid. If you are going to have a rice cake or rice crackers, pair them with something either high protein or high fat in order to balance your blood sugar. It is not to say you can never have these things (I had some gluten free cake on the weekend), you just don't want to make them the basis of your diet. Choose lots of protein, veggies, fruit and dairy if you can tolerate it. Potatoes are fine in moderation, sweet potatoes even better. Brown rice, quinoa, millet....again in moderation. Personally I am feeling that the benefits of giving up wheat are far outweighing the sacrifices you need to make. It isn't for everyone, you have to follow the path that feels right for you.

In the detox department, I am still taking Renew Life Critical Liver Support before each meal. I think this is helping with my cravings as well. LOVE this product and will continue on it indefinitely. I am only 7 weeks into this process but I am feeling so much more vibrant and clear. It feels "do-able" this time and much of that is because of the support from you guys. The accountability doesn't hurt as well!! Love to hear your success stories and also your struggles, we are in this together!

Happy Family Day!

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick note to wish you all a happy family day, I hope you have enjoyed your long weekend for those who have one.

We had a nice visit with Jon's family on Saturday followed by the drive from hell home. Yesterday I was incapacitated with the aftermath of a charliehorse and I was quite bitchy (or so I hear). Today, in the spirit of Family Day, I went out for coffee with a friend. Sometimes the best part of Family Day is getting away from them for a few hours!! :)

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am feeling optimistic. My clothes are definitely feeling looser these days so even if it doesn't show on the scale, I know my body is changing. I stuck to plan and eating gluten free so that is a victory. In the past I used a long weekend or holiday as an excuse to eat lots of crap so obviously my mindset is changing as well. I have to get back on track with my goal setting so that I keep my eye on the prize.

I wanted to mention a great little shop that I found when we were in Ajax. "Above Average Consignments" is located at 252 Bayly Street West in the same plaza as Dairy Queen. It is a consignment store for plus-sized clothing and they have some amazing things in stock. I hit the mother-load and spent next to nothing. Definitely worth the trip to Ajax. Here is their website:
http://aboveaverageconsignments.com/Home_Page.html

Last but not least, a special shout out to my family. I am blessed beyond compare to have the family I have. We are a crazy bunch but that what makes us work so well. Thanks for always being there! A quote to honour us in the spirit of Aidan's birthday gift from the north......Love you!

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."
  - Cary Grant

What's LOVE got to do with it?

This has been a tough week. I have felt raw, cranky, off course and just a little overwhelmed. Work has been insanely busy, my house looks like a tornado hit it and I haven't been doing all the things I promised myself I would do. Oddly enough, the one thing that is still on track is my eating. Everything else (drinking my water, writing my goals, walking each day) has been falling to the wayside. With Valentine's Day coming up I figured I should write about all of the things I love to put myself in a more positive mindset and like most of my writing, it showed me something. Below is the post I started on Wednesday in bold, my observations will follow:

Well tomorrow is Valentines Day (VD for short, fitting no?), the holiday of panicked last minute purchases and shattered expectations. I told Jon to skip all the flowers and chocolate this year and just get me a visit from the wildlife control dude. Removal of the creature under my house is the ultimate turn-on, I find it's scratching so unsexy. It is Wednesday night and the creature or creatures are still there but at least Jon made the call. Not shattered expectations, just lowered! Can you tell I am not in a loving mood today?? I need to get into a better frame of mind so I decided that in honour of VD (the holiday not the STD), I would make a list of all the things I love. Jon, Aidan, my family and friends....all those things are given, I am going to focus on the little things that bring me joy (outside of the obvious).

• The Water: river, lake, ocean, even a pool. I am drawn to it and it brings me peace.
• Laughing and making other people laugh.
• Singing along to the radio while driving.
• Dining in nice restaurants.
• Going to the movies.
• The smell of wood burning.
• Sitting outside in the fresh air.
• Sushi.
• Smelling my husband (who always smells good and never touches cologne).
• Attention, I like all kinds of attention from a pat on the back for doing a good job to an admiring glance or wave from the man in the car next to me. I am a bit of an attention ho.
• Writing my blog and everything I write for work. I feel so satisfied when it all comes together.
• Going to the spa. Nothing better than a facial to make you feel great.
• Travelling and planning trips, I love researching and then exploring a new place.
• Intimacy whether it is a chat with a friend over coffee or a roll in the hay with my husband. I love that connection you feel when you share with another person.
• First pulling into my parents driveway when I go home for a visit.
• A salad when someone else makes it (especially if it contains fruit and cheese).
• Being appreciated. I would pick verbal acknowledgement over money anyday (however the money is great too!)
• Income tax time, even if I have to pay I really like pulling everything together and getting a snapshot of our finances.
• Drinking my morning cup of coffee in the rocker in Aidan's room. He is at his happiest in the morning so it is a great way to start my day.
• Shoppers Drug Mart and their optimum points....20X the points days are such a treat!
• Opening the mail even though most of it is bills or junk.
• Spring and Fall because heat and extreme cold tick me off.
• Making people happy, especially the people I love.

That is as far as I got because when I went back and started re-reading what I wrote I was struck by an observation. So many of these things that I LOVE, I rarely do. I have always lived near water but I can't remember the last time I went to the lake. We have TWO wood burning fireplaces in our new home but have yet to build a fire. We had a lovely back deck at our old home but never really sat out to enjoy the fresh air. Even when we rent a cottage and  I could kill 3 birds with one stone (water, fresh air, burning wood) I spend a lot of time indoors. I don't get together with friends or shag my hubby nearly enough (Sorry Jon, TMI!). I never put fruit and cheese in the salads I make at home. We rarely travel even though we can afford to. What the hell man? All these things are so simple and so within my control yet I don't do them. Is it laziness or I am just not in the habit of doing them so I don't? Do I not beleive I deserve happiness so deny myself these simple pleasures? Maybe it is some deep subconscious thing? Who knows why I do the things I do and at the end of the day, I don't really care.

I need more joy in my life so I am going to start doing these things and I am going to do them with my family whether they like it or not! Sorry Jon, more nookie for you. Sorry Aidan, we are going to walk by the lake today. Sorry Mom and Dad, I am coming to visit more often. Sorry government, I am filing my income taxes promptly and correctly this year.  Sorry mother in law, I want pears and blue cheese in that salad dammit! Sorry readers, I got a little carried away there (told you I was cranky). Bottom line, I am going to be happier by doing things that make me happy because if I am happy then everyone around me is happy. Funny how that works.

Learning to Listen

“There is deep wisdom within our very flesh, if we can only come to our senses and feel it."
-Elizabeth A. Behnke

I have been dabbling with idea of going gluten-free for years now. I have been allergy tested multiple times and it always shows sensitivity to gluten but for some reason giving it up for my health has always seemed like too big a sacrifice. When I was on a low carb diet, I didn’t suffer nearly as much with joint or digestive issues and I attributed it to the lack of gluten. In that case, giving it up to lose weight was a no-brainer. Talk about messed up priorities.

This journey to lose 100 pounds in 2013 is ultimately about building a new, healthy body. I am trying to pay attention to how I am feeling as much as how the scale is moving. It has been a hard mind shift to accomplish but every day it is getting easier. I mentioned recently about listening to the whispers from my body and last night it YELLED.

With Weight Watchers you get 45 weekly points to use for special occasions, meals out, or to spread out over the week so you have more points daily. I usually keep all those points and use them on Monday night since that is our weigh-in day. Last night I was craving a chicken burger so we had Wendy’s. I decided I would have the bun and I was fine. A few hours later I was craving rye toast and still had some points left so decided to make some. Literally within 5 minutes of eating the toast my hands started itching. 5 minutes later I had 3 large hives on my arms. My body was YELLING at me that it did not enjoy my bombardment of wheat. Lesson learned sweet temple of mine, I heard you loud and clear!

Itching and hives are no big deal but they are an indication of a much more serious problem, systemic inflammation. I will blog about this separately at some point but bottom line, inflammation like that is BAD and the underlying cause of most diseases. My body is telling me that gluten is not a fit for it and I should respect that. Does that mean I will never eat wheat again? No but it does mean that I have to make a choice to honour my body and feed it the fuel that suits it. Most importantly, I have to make that choice MOST of the time.  So screw the 21 day gluten-free challenge, I am choosing to make this a challenge to last a lifetime. I will close with another quote that applies (even if my body isn’t quite so quiet about it).

“What is always speaking silently is the body."
-Norman Brown

Week 6 Update: SOOOOO Close!

Wow what a great weigh-in this morning, I am down 5.5 pounds this week! This brings my grand total to 19.7 pounds in 6 weeks. Just shy of 20 pounds and hitting my first target! I am sure I will be there next week and then I will take a set of follow up photos. Even better than the weight loss, I am feeling fantastic eating gluten-free. I had decided before the weigh-in that even if I was up on the scale I would continue eating this way. My joints feel better, my skin looks great and I am not craving sweets like before. I would even say I might be getting my mojo back! TMI? You know me, there is no such thing!

I am continuing on my liver detox and feel good on that as well. My father had mentioned to me an article he had come across mentioning NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine) as being as good as Metformin for treating PCOS. Sure enough there is NAC in my liver cleanse, will be interesting to see if I notice any change in my hormonal symptoms. I feel very much in tune with my body these days and am trying to listen to the whispers before the beast starts yelling at me again.

I have had a few questions about what I am eating if I am not eating wheat. First thing I have to stress is that I am not replacing bread and pasta with gluten-free alternatives for the most part. A lot of the refined rice, potato and corn flours used in these products cause major blood sugar surges. Not good for weight loss or the body in general. Instead I have been eating a lot of protein, some rice, rice cakes (but always with something higher fat on them to control the release in the body), sweet potatoes, eggs, greek yogurt, etc. For example, I might have a couple rice cakes with PB and apple or banana on them or the other day I had a rice cake with ham and a slice of Havarti. It is not a sandwich, rather a vehicle for sandwich fillings J

One of the best things I made last week which lasted me for 2 lunches and dinner for Jon and I was a big mix of extra lean ground beef with spinach, cabbage (I used a bag of coleslaw mix), onion, garlic, red peppers and mushrooms. I cooked it all up and then put half a bottle of pasta sauce and some spices in it. We had it with crumbled goat cheese. Doesn’t sound too good as I type it out here but it was delish and one of those meals that gets better the longer it sits in the fridge. The key I found to success with this was making sure I had lots of options available when I was feeling hungry or wanting a snack. Pre-planning is key and something I need to work on all the time (as I blogged about early last week).

This week I am just going to do more of the same and try to focus on stressing less (last week was a biatch!). I am feeling optimistic about a great week ahead. Thanks again for all of the support. I love to hear your successes so please feel free to share!

A better BBW :)

Very interesting response to my post yesterday. I am not surprised that many of my friends had come to the same realizations I had. I wonder if it was just a scene that we outgrew? I certainly know I have outgrown the bar scene in general, I had by my late twenties. Some of my plus size female friends are among the smartest and most talented women I have met. I am sure they realized quickly (as I had) that the caliber of many of the men that lurk in this lifestyle is less then stellar. As my Nanny used to say "You can always stoop and pick up shit". God bless her :)

I am being kind of hard on the whole BBW scene and in all honesty, it is not like it has scarred me for life. In fact, I am grateful for it because if there was no BBW network in Toronto I never would have met my husband. Oddly enough neither of us were involved in it anymore when we did cross paths. Funny story......

Jon had been introduced to the whole BBW thing by a friend of his (thank you Lindsay!) and he frequented the club before I had really found out about it. I had been introduced by a friend of mine. My friend and his roommate had also met at the club one night. Lots of friends meeting as you can see. Jon's roommate and her boyfriend were going to be going to Karaoke. My friend wanted to go but didn't want to be a 3rd wheel so she begged me to go with her. I went (kicking and screaming), Jon showed up after being badgered by his roommate and the rest is history. If it wasn't for the bbw clubs in Toronto, none of us would have ever connected.

Now my husband is a lover of ALL women. He has a real respect and appreciation of women of all ages, sizes, nationalities. It is part of what I loved about him when we met. If you put the singer Pink and Camryn Manheim side by side, he would think they were equally beautiful just in different ways. He is also one of those guys that often got cast to the "friend" role, much to his displeasure. In that role he heard and saw a lot of the same things I came to dislike about the scene. The bitchiness between women, the womanizing and what bothered him most was how a lot of the women just kept going back for more. By the time I had met him, he was OVER IT like I was. It was sure fun to swap stories though!!

Fast forward a few years, we are married and living our lives. I happen to come across a BBW club on Facebook but this is something totally different. BIG BEAUTIFUL WELLNESS! My interest is piqued. The woman behind this group is Liz McCallum and she is amazing. Her whole goal is to get women LIVING life in the body they have rather than waiting until they are skinny. It is not a "fat acceptance" group, it is all about accepting where you are and making choices that support all the aspects of wellness (physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual). She believes, as I believe, that body size is not a true indication of health. This is not just a belief, it has been proven time and time again. While I am on a journey to lose weight, it is ultimately for my wellness. Our goals are not that different. I am guilty of limiting myself based on my weight, she has encouraged me to live now and I am trying to do better every day.

You know what's funny? My weight has never made me feel like I wasn't attractive;  I have "ugly" days like everyone else but overall I know I am very pretty (that sounded conceited but you know what I mean!). What it has done is make me feel like I wasn't capable of doing certain activities. The thought of embarrassing myself riding a bike or trying to ski, that is what holds me back. This is what Big Beautiful Wellness is all about, living in the now and truly living. So thank you Liz for tirelessly working to try to get through to us woman. I know it hasn't been easy but you have made an impact on me and I know you have on many others. Please check out her facebook page and join. You will be inspired and you will be amazing :)

BBW

You know those creepy facebook ads that appear at the side of your page? The ones that seemed to be directed at you? One popped up on my newfeed last night for "bbwdatefinder" and that got me thinking. This post will enlighten a lot of people who knew nothing about the BBW subculture and may piss off some people who are deeply engrossed in it. This post is just my viewpoint and other people may have a completely different experience. It might take a few posts to cover. We shall see where the writing goes tonight....

I first heard the term BBW when I was in my first year of University. I was out at a bar with some friends when the very cute bartender said to me "I like women like you" to which I replied "Good tippers????" being my normal smart ass self. He said "No I like BBWs". I must have looked puzzled because he continued "Big Beautiful Women". This was a new one for me. I took stock of the situation. Am I big? CHECK! Beautiful? I like to think so. Woman? Hear me roar baby! But regardless of this guys looks and charm I felt uneasy; like I might end up in his freezer so I hightailed it out of there. That said, those 3 little letters kept popping into my mind so the next day I hopped onto a library computer and searched Netscape (Yes I am old) for BBW. I was shocked by what I found. It was like a whole new world that I never knew existed. There were dating sites, clothing sites, porn sites, magazines, forums, chat rooms and so forth, all dedicated to Big Beautiful Women and the men that admired them. Of course I was mortified to be seen looking at this stuff in a public place so I kind of pushed it out of my mind and went on with life until that summer.

I ended up coming home for the summer and had lots of time on my hands. I was doing a summer course so spent lots of time on my parents computer "studying" but I was usually on MIRC (an old chat program that may or may not still be around). I had noticed while searching through the hundreds of forums and chat rooms that there were dozens of BBW chats. One in particular caught my eye, bbwontario. I started going on nightly and meeting lots of women and men from all across the province. I was a young, naive 20 year old girl and was not used to being praised and hit on constantly. It was addicting. Of course, I had dated before but this attention was almost intoxicating. Talk about a boost to the ego. I started walking, talking and carrying myself differently. In the "real" world, men were checking me out much more or perhaps I was just noticing them noticing me. I met some friends on there that I am actually friends with to this day. By the end of the summer, I was deeply involved with someone I had met in this chat room and we dated for 5 years on and off. He loved me for me and I felt completely accepted by him. He wasn't what I would call a "chubby chaser", he liked all women. He was a little on the heavier side himself so he gravitated towards bigger girls because it was more comfortable for him as well. Was it the best relationship? NOPE but it taught me a lot for sure.

Once that relationship ended, I was living in Toronto and wanting to really enjoy my single life and I did. I dated a lot in my mid twenties and never had issues meeting men. I had heard that there was a bbw club in Toronto that held get togethers monthly at a pub. I decided to check it out and was happy to find quite a few of the people I met online were there. I went a handful of times and I dabbled a bit in online dating. I had good experiences and I had bad but the more I experienced, the more the "BBW lifestyle" didn't sit well with me. Now I have friends who are still going to those clubs 10 years later and I hold no judgement. Thier outlook is different then mine. Obviously it is an enjoyable experience for them. For me, whether online or at these get togethers I started noticing things that I just couldn't look past:

1. The woman far outnumbered the men at these get-togethers so people were competitive and catty. I found I never left feeling as good as when I arrived because the atmosphere to me felt a bit nasty at times. Alcohol never helps in these situations.
2. The community was so small that it almost felt incestuous. It would be hard to meet a man that hadn't dated or hooked up with at least one other woman in the group.
3. I found the men fell into 3 groups: The ones who genuinely preferred big women (sometimes to the point of it being a fetish), the ones who were bigger themselves so felt more comfortable with a plus sized woman and the misogynist jerks who thought that big girls were easy.

 I personally like all types of men, variety is the spice of life and I found that I much preferred the company of men who like ALL women. Connoisseurs if you will. While it is nice to know your partner is attracted to your tummy or thick thighs, it is much nicer to know that they are attracted to you as a whole. I found meeting men under "normal" circumstances, to be much more satisfying and validating as a woman. Nothing is better than being asked out for a drink out of the blue because someone loves your sense of humour or eyes or better yet, both. I think the whole BBW world opened my eyes and did give me a boost to my confidence at an age when most women could use one. I had fun, met a lot of interesting people and I learned some very valuable lessons. I also learned that it wasn't for me. For those women who find it empowering, good on you. It just wasn't a fit for me.
All that said, tomorrow I will post about how I met my husband in a roundabout way because of the bbw community and also about my friend who has reinvented the BBW label into something I am all for. Now I wonder how many of you are going to open a new window and google "BBW"? Be forewarned there is a lot of trash out there and it isn't always beautiful! Don't say I didn't tell you :)

Ok February you can ease up now!

Well this has been one hell of a week. Sorry I haven't posted the last 2 days, it has just been so chaotic. I would say that February so far has had some setbacks, some challenges and some successes. Today, as the snow KEEPS falling, I am going to share :)

So Aidan turned ONE on February 1st which was a wonderful day. I can't believe my little guy is already a year old, where has the time gone? While I am over the moon with happiness and so very grateful, I think it has also thrown me into a bit of a funk. I could also be me missing my family. My parents came down for Aidan's birthday and when they leave it reminds me of how much I miss them. It could be the winter blues or it could be PMS; regardless of the reason, I am just not myself.

On the positive, I have been pretty good about the whole giving up wheat thing. I had two little setbacks earlier in the week but I learned from them I think. My first day off it was Tuesday and I didn't eat any all day. I came home from work famished and not really prepared in the grocer department so we ended up having some breaded halibut we had in the freezer. So not horrible but certainly contained wheat. I learned that going gluten free required a little more pre-planning than I had anticipated. The next day I was a complete stressball because we were having our insurance medicals that night.

 

Confession time: One of my biggest fears is being declined for insurance. Hence I have none. I kept putting applying off until I got the weight off but those days weren't coming too quickly. When we had Aidan I knew it was something we had to do but I used lack of money as an excuse. Now that I am back at work that is no longer valid. When we took on this monster mortgage and made the decision to have Jon stay home with Aidan, our Financial Planner put his foot down and insisted we get insured. I still managed to put it off 3 monthes but finally it was go time.......

 

So Wednesday arrives, work is insanely busy and I have to leave early for this damn physical. Not only am I stressed about being declined coverage but we also have to give blood samples. Now getting blood from me is no easy task. It seems my veins are the only small thing on my body and they like to go into hiding at the sight of a needle. I have been to clinics where every technician has taken a stab and no luck. In fact it took 3 nurses to get an IV in my at the hospital when I was preggers. Needless to say, I was not too keen on getting blood taken by a stranger at my dining room table. But the nurse came and everything went off pretty smoothly. She leaves and instead of having the soup we had discussed before she arrived, I talked Jon into McDonalds. I had the points so that was not the issue. Besides McDicks being crap and containing wheat, the issue lied with the fact that I chose to comfort/reward myself with food. A setback for sure. As soon as I bit into that Big Mac I knew I had fallen back into an old habit and I felt shitty. Decided to feel the shame, let it go and learn from it. Therein lies the success I guess.

 

Thursday and Friday I did a lot of pre-planning and cooking and stayed completely wheat free. Physically I feel good, mentally I feel exhausted and emotionally I feel a little fragile. Looking forward to a weekend of relaxing with my boys and getting set for another crazy week ahead. Serenity NOW :)

Fear Factor Part 2

Yesterday I began talking about fears and specifically what it meant to have a fear of success. I could never understand this concept. If anything I figured I had a fear of failure since my life felt like a failure in certain areas. It wasn’t until I met my husband when the difference between the two became clear. My husband and I are very similar in a lot of ways and very different at the same time. We share some of the same issues and personality traits.  For example, we have both struggled with our weights our entire life. When we first met, we had some really open conversations about these issues. One thing that struck me is that while I had spent my whole life jumping from diet to diet, Jon had never really been on one. This was bewildering to me, I just couldn’t understand how someone could be 100 pounds overweight and not at least TRY to get it off. It was then that I made the distinction between the two of us; Jon had a fear of failure so he didn’t really put himself in the game, I had a fear of success so I would always step up to the bat but only swing half-heartedly in fear that I would hit a home run. Shortly after this realization, I came across a quote that made everything crystal clear to me and changed my life.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

-Marianne Williamson

I had always assumed that I must make these poor decisions in my life because I felt like I didn’t deserve better or that I couldn’t BE better. This is why when I was told I had a fear of success, I couldn’t grasp it. When I heard this quote it made me realize that I was holding myself back because I was afraid to shine.

I started thinking about this and realized that it was through my failures that I connected to a lot of the people in my life. I played up the negative so that we could relate and they wouldn’t feel alone in their situation. If I demanded more of myself and lived up to my potential, would it push those close to me away? I complained to my friends about my bad relationships because they were struggling to find love, I yo-yo dieted because most of my friends also had weight problems and I worried I would lose their friendship if I lost the weight,  I made poor financial decisions because I didn’t want to appear better off than those close to me.

I am an over-achiever by nature so I would always get started on some lofty goal but as soon as I got close to the desired result I would back off. What if I achieved success and no one was there to celebrate it with me? Was it worth the risk of losing the people I love to have the life I wanted? Only when I really started examining the reality of the situation did I realize that was an irrational fear. Sure I would lose some friends if I took my life in a different direction but at the end of the day, they weren’t the important ones. My family would stand by me and be happy for me no matter what. I deserved a good partner, a healthy body, a secure financial future and all of these things were well within my control and reach. Being my best should not bring others down, it should lift them up. This lesson made me realize that I couldn’t stand on the sidelines of my own life. It made me see that fulfilling my potential and playing to my strengths is not a bad thing, it is my destiny.

So thank you Marianne Williamson for your words.  They have allowed me to, ever so slowly, step out of my darkness and into my light. It is time to shine baby shine!

Fear Factor Part 1

What are you afraid of? I could list quite a few things that scare the living crap out of me…..clowns, heights and spiders to name a few. These are things that I can avoid for the most part and don’t exert a large effect on my day to day life. But what if there was a fear that was lurking behind the scenes that you may not even be aware is there? How much damage could that do? This is something I want to explore over the next few days.

Many years ago my boss, who is also like a mentor to me and knows me too well, said to me that he felt I had a fear of success. At the time I didn’t get it or maybe I didn’t WANT to get it. I just tucked that observation away and didn’t think about it for a long time. If anything I thought I might have a fear of failure. At least that was a term I was familiar with! The idea of fearing success was foreign to me. WHY would anyone fear success? Isn’t that what we all work our asses off trying to attain? In my mind I was one of the hardest working people I knew. I certainly filled my time well and always looked busy but appearances can be deceiving; I spent much of my time doing things that were of little importance to the outcome I was looking for:

·         I spent countless hours READING about how to increase my sales or lose weight.

·         I spent countless hours LISTENING to experts talk about finances and health.

·         I spent countless hours TALKING to people about how to succeed in relationships.

·         I spent countless hours WRITING plans and to-do lists.

·         I spent more time than I care to admit DREAMING about what I wanted in life.

All this is good but where I was lacking was in ACTION. Don’t get me wrong, I was always a success when it came to my job. That is one area where I really put a lot of my energy. Could I have been more successful? Of course but I am happy with myself in that regard. It was in the other areas in my life that I never quite got there.  I never achieved the same success in my health, finances, relationships and personal life. I would make progress in an area and then something would happen. Looking back now I see it is self-sabotage but at the time it felt like “life” kept getting in the way. I would pay off a pile of debt and then my car would break down. I would put the repair on my credit card, feel discouraged and shop some more. If I was successful in finances I would have had a little bit of money stashed away for those sorts of emergencies instead of having to rely on my credit cards. Another example is in relationships. I never had issues meeting men but I ended up in less than ideal relationships. I was meeting the same types of men, moving too quickly and ending up with the same outcome. It felt like even though I was “trying” my life was in a vicious cycle. All the self-help books in the world couldn’t open my eyes until I read a quote that changed my life and it all started to make sense. More on that tomorrow J

Week 5 Update: Dreaded Birthday Cake Bulge!

Who knew that a slice of ice cream cake and a little potato salad weighed a pound? Well it doesn’t but the scale showed that there is a little extra of me this week. I am up 1 pound but at least this time I was expecting it. We had Aidan’s birthday party and company over the weekend. I still tracked but I used a lot of my weekly extra points which I usually reserve till Monday night AFTER my weigh in.

I had a bit of surprising experience that really solidified for me the importance of writing down what you eat. On Saturday we had a little party for Aidan. I just set out some salads, sandwich fixings, olives and then for dessert we had a very tasty ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. My parents were visiting so we had a croissant with yogurt and fruit for breakfast and we were all tired so we just had grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. Not a horrible day, in fact I thought I might actually be under in points. I didn’t overeat; no second helpings, only a small piece of cake, and I only drank Perrier or water all day yet when I tallied up my points for the day I was over my limit by almost 25 points! Little things add up and it is easy to lose track if you are not writing it down. If you are not on weight watchers, try my fitness pal or spark people. There are lots of online tools for tracking your food and exercise. You might be surprised at what you find!

I have been toying with the idea of dropping WHEAT from my diet for 21 days to see if some of my health issues improve. When I was pregnant I had terrible heartburn and my Naturopath suggested I give up wheat. It was like a miracle, the relief was instant. I was only off it for 3-4 weeks and during that time I noticed some eczema I had cleared up and my joints weren’t as sore. As a nutritionist I know that wheat is not the best but I find it is so hard for most people to give up, myself included. If you haven’t read the book “WHEAT BELLY” you should pick it up. It is so eye-opening!

I figure if I say that I am going to avoid it for 21 days instead of the dreaded FOREVER, perhaps I won’t go into Louise panic mode. Who knows, I may feel so good that I will want to stay off it for good or at least greatly decrease my consumption. Ok I have talked myself into it; I am going to start tomorrow and will stay off wheat until February 25^th. Anyone want to take the challenge with me?

A letter to my birthday boy

A year ago today we met our little boy Aidan. We never dreamed we would be so blessed and can’t imagine life before him. I needed to have an emergency C-section because his cord was wrapped around his little neck twice but he arrived no worse for the wear. He was pink and loud and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. This is my letter to him on today, his first birthday.

Dear Aidan,

Wow! What a year! You have changed our lives in so many wonderful ways; you are a gift from god. Your Daddy and I are so very proud of you. You amaze us every day with your energy, humour and inquisitive little mind. You are such a busy little beaver and it is so fun to watch you explore the world around you. This past year has taught Mommy and Daddy so much about us as individuals and a family. You are the center of our universe and our reason for doing and being better every day.

You are the first grandbaby in the family and you have such proud grandparents. Your uncles and great uncles can’t wait to teach you all sorts of “interesting” things I am sure. The whole family has fallen in love with you and you are a bright light for us all.

Aidan, you have our love and support for a lifetime. We can’t wait to see you grow and change every day. You are a beautiful soul and our pride and joy. We love you more than words could ever express. Thank you for being your awesome little self!
Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

Love,

Mom and Dad (and Simon of course *woof woof*)