Yesterday I began
talking about fears and specifically what it meant to have a fear of success. I
could never understand this concept. If anything I figured I had a fear of
failure since my life felt like a failure in certain areas. It wasn’t until I
met my husband when the difference between the two became clear. My husband and
I are very similar in a lot of ways and very different at the same time. We
share some of the same issues and personality traits. For example, we have both struggled with our
weights our entire life. When we first met, we had some really open
conversations about these issues. One thing that struck me is that while I had
spent my whole life jumping from diet to diet, Jon had never really been on
one. This was bewildering to me, I just couldn’t understand how someone could
be 100 pounds overweight and not at least TRY to get it off. It was then that I
made the distinction between the two of us; Jon had a fear of failure so he
didn’t really put himself in the game, I had a fear of success so I would
always step up to the bat but only swing half-heartedly in fear that I would
hit a home run. Shortly after this realization, I came across a quote that made
everything crystal clear to me and changed my life.
“Our deepest
fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
-Marianne Williamson
I had always assumed
that I must make these poor decisions in my life because I felt like I didn’t
deserve better or that I couldn’t BE better. This is why when I was told I had
a fear of success, I couldn’t grasp it. When I heard this quote it made me
realize that I was holding myself back because I was afraid to shine.
I started
thinking about this and realized that it was through my failures that I
connected to a lot of the people in my life. I played up the negative so that
we could relate and they wouldn’t feel alone in their situation. If I demanded
more of myself and lived up to my potential, would it push those close to me
away? I complained to my friends about my bad relationships because they were
struggling to find love, I yo-yo dieted because most of my friends also had
weight problems and I worried I would lose their friendship if I lost the
weight, I made poor financial decisions
because I didn’t want to appear better off than those close to me.
I am an
over-achiever by nature so I would always get started on some lofty goal but as
soon as I got close to the desired result I would back off. What if I achieved
success and no one was there to celebrate it with me? Was it worth the risk of
losing the people I love to have the life I wanted? Only when I really started
examining the reality of the situation did I realize that was an irrational
fear. Sure I would lose some friends if I took my life in a different direction
but at the end of the day, they weren’t the important ones. My family would
stand by me and be happy for me no matter what. I deserved a good partner, a
healthy body, a secure financial future and all of these things were well
within my control and reach. Being my best should not bring others down, it
should lift them up. This lesson made me realize that I couldn’t stand on the
sidelines of my own life. It made me see that fulfilling my potential and
playing to my strengths is not a bad thing, it is my destiny.
So thank you
Marianne Williamson for your words. They
have allowed me to, ever so slowly, step out of my darkness and into my light. It
is time to shine baby shine!
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