It has taken me a few days to kind of process the major things we discussed. It is one thing to uncover something, it is another to figure out what the hell to do with it. I am going to share some of it here now that I have a better grasp on things.
IDENTITY
My weight has always been a part of my identity from the time I was a little girl. When I was younger it made me into the "funny one". I was the class clown and that worked for me. I always had lots of friends and lots of fun. In my early 20's while I was at University I was the FAT NUTRITIONIST. I fell in love with nutrition and determined that I was going to use this knowledge and passion to figure this whole weight thing out. I was going to start a clinic, write a book and be on Oprah! This dream of mine is one I carry to this day (except the being on Oprah bit....damn retirement!). In my mid to my late twenties, I embraced the BBW label. Big Beautiful Woman. If that wasn't identifying with your size, I don't know what is. After 30, I resolved to get this weight off once and for all. I started sharing my story with everyone I met. The fat nutritionist was back at it.
Now I am 37, a new mom, a wife, the head of a marketing department and trying to get comfortable in all of these new roles. My identity isn't so defined by my size now and I am struggling a bit with that. I guess part of me feels I am giving up on the dream I have carried so long but the other part of me is SO ready to move on. There is this internal struggle going on as I am trying to figure out who I am now versus who I have always been. I guess I feel a little lost and you know what? That is OK. We all go through phases and changes in our lives. My life has changed course and in so many positive ways, time for me to embrace it.
FOCUS
When I was talking with the Doctor she made a really good observation. I was going on and on about how I change programs all the time, am always thinking about what I can and can't eat, reading new things about diet on an almost daily basis. I said I am obsessed with getting that scale to move down but I am tired of trying to figure out how to make it happen. She replied with "Do you think you are maybe bored or burned out on the whole weight thing?" I am beyond burned out on it but I know I need to get healthier. So she suggested I focus on just that, HEALTH. She liked the idea of intuitive eating and encouraged me to continue following the principles but if there are certain things I know are health concerns, focus on those and make choices that support change in those areas. I am blessed with the knowledge base to be able to deal with most of my health issues myself but I have always had such a singular focus on weight that they fell to the wayside. Perhaps just taking the focus off weight for a while will help me to better take care of myself because what I have been doing up to now has not been taking good care of me. I really want to be a healthy and happy mom for Aidan and I don't have to be 130 pounds to do that.
I walked away from this session understanding myself a little bit more. I am going through a period of change and that is a good thing but also a scary thing. Time to relax into the process and see where it takes me. I am going to see a Naturopathic Doctor on Wednesday so I can begin to deal with some of the health issues that have been underlying for awhile. If she mentions weight (which she will) I am going to say that I have it covered and that I would rather focus on my other issues for now. I am feeling much more at peace the last few weeks so I must be heading in the right direction.
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