Lessons Learned

I can't believe that in 3 days it will be January 1st. Needless to say, I have not lost 100 pounds this year. I think I will be lucky if I am down 1/4 of that after all of the holiday treats. Even if the weight is not gone, all is not lost. I have learned A LOT this year. A lot about myself, a lot about others and a lot about how I want to live my life moving forward. These lessons are more valuable than any number on the scale. Today I am going to share some of what I have discovered over the past 362 days. I may get it all out in this post or I may have to continue tomorrow, regardless this is a time for retrospection.

What I have learned this year:

1) I am not alone. My weight has always felt like a burden I carried on my own. When I began writing my blog, I realized that hoards of people struggled in the same ways I did. People who I would look at and think that they looked perfect, they struggled as much as I did. Whether someone had 200, 100, 20 or 2 pounds to lose, it was a big deal to them. Their journey may be different from mine but the feelings and struggles were often the same. I would never wish issues like this on anyone but it has been comforting knowing I am not alone.

2) I am so much more than the number on the scale. At the end of the day, no one but me ever has to see that number and if I so choose, I never have to see it myself again. It is just that, a number. A measurement of my mass, not my worth. I am a mother, a manager, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am funny, smart, sexy, kind, altruistic, sensitive, temperamental and a bit of a bitch sometimes. I am fat and that is okay because it is only one very small part of what makes me, me.

3) I tend to put others before myself. I have read this blog from beginning to end and something really stood out to me, I lost my way in May. What happened in May? Well, we brought a friend into our home who had fallen on tough times. Someone who my husband didn't even know and who is still living with us now. At the time, I did what I thought was right for him but in that impulsive decision, I put what was right for my family and I on the back burner. Having someone living under your roof for 8 monthes is stressful. As he got his life back together again, ours started to fall apart. I am not blaming him at all but it made me see that I made a poor decision. Part of me thinks that taking on that "project" allowed me to stop focusing on my own. Wouldn't be the first time.

4) I am impatient, impulsive and very hedonistic. Those may sound like bad character traits but they are mine. One of the things that I wanted to do through this process was to pick a path and stay the course. White knuckle it through the hard times where I wasn't experiencing success with the end in mind. I wanted to overcome my impatience, impulse control issues and pleasure seeking behaviour but why? Those traits have caused me to take risks, push myself to do better, enjoy life and all of its delights. They are part of what makes my personality the way it is, they are part of why I am successful in many areas of my life, they are part of me. I have grown to kind of dig them.

5) If I don't lose another pound ever, I am going to be OK. I still want to get some of this weight off for many reasons. I am going to continue working on this goal but I am at peace with the idea that I can be large and still be healthy. I have done a lot of research this year about health at any size and realize that my goal has to be HEALTH not THINNESS. I am working on this inch by inch.

That's all I have in me for today. It has been a hell of a week but I will write more in the next day or so. Thank you to everyone for your support and kindness this year. I hope you have learned some things about yourself through this process. xoxoxo