Why oh why am I afraid to fly?

This morning I was going to finish my blog on PCOS but I am compelled to fess up and blog about something else. As I sit her with hot oil on my head to try to pull some dye out of my hair (it is BLACK! Not exactly the look I was going for), I am trying to understand the way my mind works. I am falling into an old pattern that is so self destructive yet so common for me. Let me explain.

In 3 weeks from now at this exact time I will be waiting to get on a plane to Vancouver. Flying as a big person is stressful and for me I worry about it constantly. I am not worried about crashing, I am not worried about fitting in the seat or even having to ask for a seat belt extender. For me, I am worried about making the person I am flying beside uncomfortable and invading their space. It makes me feel literally sick to my stomach when I think about it. It goes back to a flight I was on to Halifax many years ago where I was in the window seat and this big man (not fat, just tall and broad) had the middle seat. There was another man in the aisle seat. The fellow in the middle seat called over the stewardess and DEMANDED a new seat. He said he was being squished (we all were) and wanted to move. The only option was a seat at the very back by the bathrooms. When he found that out he made a big stink that I should be the one to give up my seat since I was causing the problem (which actually wasn't the case, it was the combination of the 3 of us that was the main issue!). I was only 25 and now I would have stood up for myself but in order to prevent further humiliation I said I would move. So I gave up my window seat to this asshole and moved to the back walking by all these staring eyes (some sympathetic, others laughing) and sat there trying to hold back tears. It sucked big time!

I have known about this trip since I arrived back to work in December. It is one of our yearly trade shows. Now that it is less than a month away my stress about the flight is going through the roof. Add to it the first goal of being 30 pounds down by April 1st (my birthday) and I am feeling a lot of pressure to get as much weight off as I can. Cue the problem.......self sabotage. I have been eating like crap since Monday after my weigh in. Gluten-galore, chocolate, we even had pizza last night. I am paying the price physically (digestive issues, sore knees, mood swings) and I know I will pay the price on the scale. Why do I do this to myself????? It is a pattern that has repeated itself in my weight loss battle time and time again. I hope that I can get to the bottom of it and maybe that will require some outside guidance.

It is back on track today and I am buckling down. I have to stop these destructive patterns and focus again at what I want to accomplish: Lasting and healthy weight loss. So please send me positive vibes to get over this hump and carry on with the task at hand. I can't wait for the day that I look forward to flying high in the sky where my only worry is what movie to watch.