1 Down 11 more to go!

I have been home sick for a few days so have had a lot of time to think about this last month. I am so pleased about many things but most of all about this blog. Primarily, I am so happy to have connected and reconnected with so many people who can relate to my journey. It has been such a blessing to know I am not alone and that maybe my struggles can help someone else. I have also found the emotional/creative outlet to be amazing for those times when my resolve to "STEP AWAY FROM THE COOKIES" was less than rock solid. All of my introspection in writing these posts has taught me a lot about myself and I think it will be a huge part of me healing this whacked relationship I have with food.

Everyday in January, I  rewrote my goals and most of them I stuck with. The only setback I had was when I hurt my knee so I was unable to continue my daily walks. I am hoping to get back at it soon though, I actually miss them! Now I have to look into February and what my objectives for this month are. Last month I wanted to just stick to the weight watchers plan and eat within my daily point limit. I did that I am pleased to say. Now this month I want to make better choices with my food so I am nourishing my body instead of just feeding it. Does that make sense? I need to stick to more whole foods and less of the 2 point snacks which are basically empty calories. I also want to resume walking at a pace that means I don't injure my knee further. I am down 1 month of cleansing so I will continue with the detoxification process with a slight change of focus. Here are my goals for February 2013:

1. I make daily food choices that nourish my body and flood my cells with nutrients to build the new me.
2. I drink 3 litres of water and limit my coffee consumption to 2 cups daily so that my body is well hydrated and replenished.
3. I walk every day that I am able and get leaner and stronger with every step.
4. I detoxify my body and mind from all things toxic so that I radiate health and happiness.
5. I write and rewrite my goals daily until they become my reality.

February is the month of love and family. This February I am going to work on reconnecting with my husband and spending quality time with my loved ones. I know that taking care of myself ultimately benefits them but I want to make sure that they know they are not lost in this process. I appreciate Jon's support so much and sometimes take it for granted. That changes now. Old habits die hard so I am giving him permission (in writing) here today to call me on my bullshit when necessary and I will do the same. Onward and upward.

Love to all and thanks again for the support!

Lessons Learned from Facebook

Are you your own #1 fan? Are you a cheerleader in your own life? If you are like most people the answer to those questions would be a resounding NO. Whether it is because we are taught to be humble and not think too highly of ourselves or because of the internal dialogue telling us we are not good enough, most people are way too hard on themselves. I am no exception.

 I want to tell you about my friend Jodi. She has suffered so much loss in her life. Her mother passed away when we were just teenagers, then she lost her best friend and just recently her father. Is she sad and lonely at times? Of course, who wouldn’t be? But what I see from the outside looking in is someone who is a survivor with a great sense of humor about life and a positive “don’t mess with me” attitude. She keeps taking blows but keeps getting back up. By contrast if I look at my life, I am blessed to have wonderful support system however I often feel overwhelmed, over-looked and down for the count. Besides our situations, where lies the difference between Jodi and I?

I saw it clearly the other night in one of her comments on good old Facebook. I am sure she didn’t think too much of it when she posted it but it really stood out to me as profound.  She had posted these lyrics from Edwin McCain’s song “I’ll Be”: You're my survival, you're my living proof. My love is alive, and not dead....I'll be love's suicide. I'll be better when I'm older. I'll be the greatest fan of your life ♥

Someone posted and said with love “Jodi, you need to be the biggest fan of your life” and she responded with “I have been ever since my ♥Mum♥ died 19 years ago. I am President, Vice-President, Prime Minister, CEO, Owner, and Creator of my fan club....lol...No wonder I'm so damn tired!”

I loved her response. She looks out for herself, she cheers herself on, and she knows that she is doing the best that she can. She is not seeking outside approval; she IS the greatest fan of her life. I have glimpses where I think to myself  “DAMN GIRL you are something special!” but those thoughts are usually fleeting and replaced with “You really should work on A, B and C!” I am going to take a lesson from Jodi and start my own “Louise” fan club with a very exclusive member list…..ME.

Thanks Jodi and keep kicking ass girl!

Week 4 Update: A step in the right direction!

Why do I get so nervous before these damn weigh-ins? I know I did all the right things this week but I was really dreading stepping on the scale this AM. Thankfully it was positive; I am down another 2.5 pounds. That makes a total of 15 pounds since I started this journey January 1^st.  I am so pleased!

 This week was one of those weeks were I was hungry ALL the time. My friend PMS is in the house so I think that is a big part of it. I get so down on myself when this happens “Why are you hungry???!!! You JUST ate!” so this week’s theme is going to be SELF LOVE J

For anyone who is following along and doing the emotional/mental work with me (writing your goals, visualizing, making your mission statement) I did something I thought I would share. I have taken my mission that I wrote last week and put it at the top of a blank word document on my computer. I then printed a pile of these sheets and this is what I am going to write my goals on every day.  I write them morning and before bed so each time will be an opportunity to re-read my mission and reinforce the “WHY” of what I am doing here. SELF LOVE baby!

In the food department I wanted to share an easy and delish recipe I made last night. I bought a big-ass jug of “Garden Fresh Salsa” at Costco and some chicken breasts which I had divided up to freeze.  In my slowcooker I put in 3 frozen chicken breasts, about 2 cups of the salsa and cooked on low for 6 hours. At 6 hours I added a cup of corn kernels and about 3 cups of finely chopped baby bok choy (any green would do, I think Kale would be awesome). It cooked with the salsa for another hour and then I served it all over rice. It was really tasty and nutritious! Next time I will add grated zucchini and carrot to up the veggie count even more.

On the cleansing front, I am switching gears a bit. I have just finished doing Rapid Cleanse for 4 weeks and have felt great. That is a total body cleanse, I am going to switch now to a liver cleanse. I feel like my bowel is cleansed enough and time to focus on the most important organ of detoxification, the liver. I had originally planned on doing Rapid Cleanse for 6 weeks but my body is telling me 4 are enough. I am trying to listen to that little voice inside even if it means a change in plans. Part of long-term success is being flexible in your approach. So I am still cleansing, just cleansing one organ instead of all of them J

I know a lot of you are on your own journeys. I would love to hear about your successes and challenges.

Remember….one week, one day, one meal and ONE POUND at a time J

Making It My Mission

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself. 
  – George Bernard Shaw

I love this quote and I think it is so powerful  As someone who has wasted much of my adult life trying to find my purpose or passion, I also find this quote liberating. You mean, my life can be about whatever the hell I want it to be about? AWESOME!

The last two days I did an exercise to try to harness the power of the pleasure pain principle. What I do next is take the best of what the exercise taught me and create a mission statement for myself. This is something that I will print out and carry with me at all times. It is a good thing to read daily but especially when your resolve is slipping. Your mission statement doesn’t have to be long but it does have to mean something to you. The power lies in how you connect to the words; how they resonate with you and your desires.

It is my year to finally gain control of my life. It is my responsibility to take care of myself so that I am here for my family. It is my goal to nurture my body and mind into lasting change. It is my vision to become the radiant woman that I know exists inside. It is my desire to live a life of passion and adventure. It is my time to rise to the occasion and CREATE my best self.

This is MY mission. What is yours?

The Pleasure Pain Principle: PAIN

I used to be a smoker. It is hard for me to believe now but it is true. It was a true love/hate relationship. I loved the way it filled my time when driving, the stress-relief, having something in my hands and mouth. I hated the smell, the taste, the way I hacked and coughed every morning, and the way it made me feel like a total hypocrite since I worked in the health field. I had tried to quit but it never really “stuck”. I remember getting the patch from my Doctor and after 3 days thinking “The only way this is going to work is if I can roll it up and smoke it!” The pleasure of smoking far outweighed the pain. One day that all changed.

I was in Nova Scotia on business and it was a Sunday afternoon. I decided to go to a park and enjoy the day. I was sitting on a bench (smoking no doubt) when across the sidewalk a woman sat down with what looked to be a very young baby in a carrier. She lit up a cigarette and I almost choked. I was a smoker and I was horrified that she was smoking with her baby so close by. In that instant I decided I no longer wanted to be a smoker. I went back to my hotel and proceeded to make my lists. First I put down how much better my life would be as a non-smoker (more money, better health, no more stinky clothes or car etc.).  Then I got on the hotel computer and started reading stats about smoking deaths and looking at pictures of lung cancer ridden lungs. I inundated myself with images and horrifying health facts until I had no choice but to quit. The pain finally outweighed the pleasure. I filled the prescription for Zyban I had in my purse and within a week I was a non-smoker. That was 12 years ago and I haven’t smoked since.

This is the power of the pain pleasure principle. Most of us are aware that obesity is affecting our health. You can be healthy and fat, don’t get me wrong, but most fat people make CHOICES that are not healthy. Can you see the difference? Yesterday I wrote down the pleasure I would gain by losing this weight once and for all. Today I am focusing on the pain I will feel if I don’t get it off. If you have never done this, go online and start researching diabetes, heart disease, cancer, inflammation, insurance. It is scary stuff. Look at pictures, read people’s stories, really FEEL what it would be like to be in those situations and then start writing.

If I don’t get this weight off this time, chances are I never will. My body can only handle so much of the burden I have placed on it and it is starting to give. I will need that knee replacement before I turn 40, my sciatica will make it so I can barely walk a block. Inside, my arteries will start hardening and narrowing leading me to a stroke or heart attack before my time. I am already suffering from insulin resistance due to my PCOS, this will surely develop into diabetes. With that comes neuropathy or what I dread the most, blindness. Imagine not being able to watch Aidan grow up. My health is already suffering and things will just get worse.

If I don’t get this weight off it will be very difficult to get pregnant again if we decide we want to have more children. I will not only be older which presents its own challenges, I will likely be bigger. I was lucky with my last pregnancy that I didn’t become diabetic or develop pre-eclampsia but the next time myself or my baby will not be so fortunate. In this body I am not the mom I want to be to Aidan. I want to be able to run and play, to get down on the ground with him and not worry about getting back up. He deserves nothing but the best and I am not at my best. I want him to be proud of me and never feel ashamed. I am one of his role-models but as I stand today, I don’t want him to follow in my footsteps. At this size I am not showing him how to love himself or how to take care of himself. At this size I show him how to slowly kill himself.

If I don’t get this weight off, I will never fulfill my potential and greatness. Even if I try my hardest to not let my size hold me back, it will. It is not easy to exist with 100 plus pounds of excess weight. Everything is more difficult. People will judge me regardless of whether they intend to or not, it is human nature. I will be stuck buying clothes I hate, avoiding places that aren’t “Fat-friendly”, worrying about flying or if a chair can hold me. So much of my energy will continue to be used focusing on things that I wouldn’t have to even consider if I was thinner.

 If I don’t get this weight off I will not be able to get insurance to protect my family if something happens to me. I will not be able to be the responsible person I want to be in that regard. I will not be able to see the world because of my fear of the unknown. Will I be able to “handle” what awaits me on the other end? I will not be able to teach Aidan to ride a bike or learn to downhill ski. I will avoid taking him to the beach or pool even though I love the water.  I will continue to choose to avoid situations and activities that I would enjoy because of my fear of failure or judgment.

BOTTOM LINE: If I don’t get this weight off now, I will live the rest of my life letting my body dictate my experiences and the experience of those I love. My potential will be trapped under the layers of fat on my body and I will not be the woman, mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend that I am meant to be.

This may be harsh and it is not meant to describe every overweight person’s situation or feelings. This is my PAIN. I needed to be as brutal as I could handle in order to make this future seem unbearable. It does! I want nothing but the best for my family and I. We live a nice life but we also miss out on so much because I am uncomfortable with my size. This year is my year to overcome these obstacles, I feel it in my bones. In tomorrow's post I will make this my "mission".

Pleasure Pain Principle: PLEASURE

They say that if you do something for 3 weeks it becomes a habit. I am not convinced of this. What I do know is that for most people, 3 weeks into a new eating plan or New Years resolution is when your motivation starts to falter. I know this is the case for me. I am feeling discouraged and it is more than the scale. My knee is in a lot of pain and it has been a week since my last walk which I (shockingly) really miss! Thank goodness for you guys and this blog. So many of you have jumped on board with me and are experiencing some of the same struggles. Not that I would wish them on anyone but it is sure nice to know you are not alone. The good news is, we can turn this around. It is time to bring out the big guns.

The Pleasure Principle is a Freudian concept that has been brought into the limelight by Tony Robbins. He says it is the single greatest tool to harness your personal power. The concept is that everything we do is to gain pleasure or avoid pain. I was never sold on this until many years ago when I saw it very clearly in my own life.

As a sales rep I was on the road A LOT. I had just upgraded my car to an Impala and loved driving fast. It got me where I needed to go faster and I had fun doing it. I wasn't reckless, I just enjoyed speed.  I guess I wasn't very good at it though because I tended to get speeding tickets on a regular basis. The last time I got pulled over the officer told me that this ticket was going to push me over 10 demerit points and I could lose my licence. I freaked out. I needed my car for my livelihood. I would not only lose my car, I would lose my job. I decided to fight the ticket and lucky for me, it got dropped but something happened in that instant. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't speed. On the 401, my speedometer would not go above 110. The "pain" or fear of losing my licence far outweighed the pleasure of speeding.

Once I saw the power of this I used this principle to help me quit smoking and to get out of a bad relationship once and for all. I even used it for losing weight when I realized that if I didn't get this weight off, having a baby was just a pipe dream. Now it is time to use it again. There is a a more complicated way to do this but all I do is start writing. I set my goal (in this case to lose 100 or more pounds by Dec 31, 2013) and then I write down the pleasure I will gain by achieving this goal in as much detail as possible.

"If I lose this weight I will finally be free to live and move without limitations. I will make my son proud but most of all I will be proud of myself and no longer feel like a hypocrite. I will be able to shop in regular stores and wear beautiful clothes that make me stand out in the crowd. My husband and I will ignite our passion for life and love. I will enjoy the great outdoors and never have to worry again if there will be hills or stairs. I will travel freely and enjoy flying in planes. I will walk the streets of New York or explore the old cities of Italy all day without wearing out. I will go to any restaurant to enjoy a meal knowing that the food doesn't dictate my choices and neither does the booth size. I will learn yoga and treat my body as the temple it is. I will set a good example for my children and inspire them to adopt good habits. I will get up and speak without fear of judgement. I will go on a tropical vacation and lounge by the pool in a beautiful bathing suit without covering up. I will be healthier than ever and cut my risk for diabetes, heart disease and cancer. My PCOS will be controlled without the use of drugs. I will be there for my family. I will be able to help others get their healthy bodies back and that will feed my soul. I will be taken seriously because I take myself seriously. I will be unstoppable!"

You have to feel this with passion. Post it somewhere that you can read it every day. Maybe make a vision board with images if you are a more visual person. Now the opposite side of the coin is PAIN. I will do this one tomorrow because it requires a little more research and time. Until then, I will dream of yoga pants and shopping in NYC.

Week 3 Update: Son of a......

Well, that weigh-in sucked! I was down 0.1 pounds….seriously? I could have cried. I ate within my points every day and didn’t even use my weekly points yet. I drank my water. I tracked. I did what I was supposed to do and what did I get in return? 0.1 pounds!!! Ok rant over. It is life and some weeks will be better than others. Of course being the over-analyzer I am, I can’t just leave it at “You win some, you lose some!” Instead I am going to look at my week and see what might be going on. A few things could contribute:

1.       PMS….the 3 letters that all those dear to me dread so much! My periods are so out of whack that I can never tell when it is coming but it might be around the corner.

2.       I hurt my knee so I haven’t been able to walk since Wednesday morning. That said, I have lost weight effectively before without exercising so I am not convinced this is the issue.

3.       I have been taking anti-inflammatories for my knee and my WW leader said they lead to water retention. This makes sense.

4.       Too much sodium. I did make a few curries this week with stock in the recipe and Jon and I shared some salty popcorn yesterday so this could be partially to blame. However I could get my wedding rings on this morning and usually if I have had too much salt, they give me a run for my money.

5.       I didn’t take any fibre with my cleansing kit this week as an experiment, an experiment that might have bitten me in the ass! I wanted to see the severity of my detox symptoms if I didn’t have fibre in my system to bind the toxins as they were released. Sure enough I did get a mild headache, some achy joints in my hands and some acne on my face. Perhaps my body rebelled and held onto water and fat to dilute the toxins I released. This is just a theory but one thing for sure; I am starting back on my fibre today!

My natural tendency would be to start changing things since I had two weeks with low numbers at the scale but I am going to just stay the course and follow the program as it is laid out. I feel good, I don’t feel deprived and I know if I am just consistent, my body will catch up. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully next week I will be celebrating with you all instead!