The Pleasure Pain Principle: PAIN

I used to be a smoker. It is hard for me to believe now but it is true. It was a true love/hate relationship. I loved the way it filled my time when driving, the stress-relief, having something in my hands and mouth. I hated the smell, the taste, the way I hacked and coughed every morning, and the way it made me feel like a total hypocrite since I worked in the health field. I had tried to quit but it never really “stuck”. I remember getting the patch from my Doctor and after 3 days thinking “The only way this is going to work is if I can roll it up and smoke it!” The pleasure of smoking far outweighed the pain. One day that all changed.

I was in Nova Scotia on business and it was a Sunday afternoon. I decided to go to a park and enjoy the day. I was sitting on a bench (smoking no doubt) when across the sidewalk a woman sat down with what looked to be a very young baby in a carrier. She lit up a cigarette and I almost choked. I was a smoker and I was horrified that she was smoking with her baby so close by. In that instant I decided I no longer wanted to be a smoker. I went back to my hotel and proceeded to make my lists. First I put down how much better my life would be as a non-smoker (more money, better health, no more stinky clothes or car etc.).  Then I got on the hotel computer and started reading stats about smoking deaths and looking at pictures of lung cancer ridden lungs. I inundated myself with images and horrifying health facts until I had no choice but to quit. The pain finally outweighed the pleasure. I filled the prescription for Zyban I had in my purse and within a week I was a non-smoker. That was 12 years ago and I haven’t smoked since.

This is the power of the pain pleasure principle. Most of us are aware that obesity is affecting our health. You can be healthy and fat, don’t get me wrong, but most fat people make CHOICES that are not healthy. Can you see the difference? Yesterday I wrote down the pleasure I would gain by losing this weight once and for all. Today I am focusing on the pain I will feel if I don’t get it off. If you have never done this, go online and start researching diabetes, heart disease, cancer, inflammation, insurance. It is scary stuff. Look at pictures, read people’s stories, really FEEL what it would be like to be in those situations and then start writing.

If I don’t get this weight off this time, chances are I never will. My body can only handle so much of the burden I have placed on it and it is starting to give. I will need that knee replacement before I turn 40, my sciatica will make it so I can barely walk a block. Inside, my arteries will start hardening and narrowing leading me to a stroke or heart attack before my time. I am already suffering from insulin resistance due to my PCOS, this will surely develop into diabetes. With that comes neuropathy or what I dread the most, blindness. Imagine not being able to watch Aidan grow up. My health is already suffering and things will just get worse.

If I don’t get this weight off it will be very difficult to get pregnant again if we decide we want to have more children. I will not only be older which presents its own challenges, I will likely be bigger. I was lucky with my last pregnancy that I didn’t become diabetic or develop pre-eclampsia but the next time myself or my baby will not be so fortunate. In this body I am not the mom I want to be to Aidan. I want to be able to run and play, to get down on the ground with him and not worry about getting back up. He deserves nothing but the best and I am not at my best. I want him to be proud of me and never feel ashamed. I am one of his role-models but as I stand today, I don’t want him to follow in my footsteps. At this size I am not showing him how to love himself or how to take care of himself. At this size I show him how to slowly kill himself.

If I don’t get this weight off, I will never fulfill my potential and greatness. Even if I try my hardest to not let my size hold me back, it will. It is not easy to exist with 100 plus pounds of excess weight. Everything is more difficult. People will judge me regardless of whether they intend to or not, it is human nature. I will be stuck buying clothes I hate, avoiding places that aren’t “Fat-friendly”, worrying about flying or if a chair can hold me. So much of my energy will continue to be used focusing on things that I wouldn’t have to even consider if I was thinner.

 If I don’t get this weight off I will not be able to get insurance to protect my family if something happens to me. I will not be able to be the responsible person I want to be in that regard. I will not be able to see the world because of my fear of the unknown. Will I be able to “handle” what awaits me on the other end? I will not be able to teach Aidan to ride a bike or learn to downhill ski. I will avoid taking him to the beach or pool even though I love the water.  I will continue to choose to avoid situations and activities that I would enjoy because of my fear of failure or judgment.

BOTTOM LINE: If I don’t get this weight off now, I will live the rest of my life letting my body dictate my experiences and the experience of those I love. My potential will be trapped under the layers of fat on my body and I will not be the woman, mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend that I am meant to be.

This may be harsh and it is not meant to describe every overweight person’s situation or feelings. This is my PAIN. I needed to be as brutal as I could handle in order to make this future seem unbearable. It does! I want nothing but the best for my family and I. We live a nice life but we also miss out on so much because I am uncomfortable with my size. This year is my year to overcome these obstacles, I feel it in my bones. In tomorrow's post I will make this my "mission".