Coping With Food

When I was growing up there was no crap in our cupboards. No fake foods in our fridge. We ate brown bread, tons of veggies from the garden in our backyard and even homemade yogurt. My mom made sure we ate a nutritious and varied diet. We had treats of course but on special occasions, not whenever we wanted them. I remember being excited about my dad bringing home a coconut to crack and drink the milk inside….now THAT was a treat. I also remember going to friends’ houses and marveling at the food they got to eat; potato chips, cookies from the store, those gummy fruit snacks, soda! My best friend’s cupboards had all sorts of goodies and I could never understand how she didn’t just eat it all. If that stuff was in my cupboards, it would be gone (which is probably why my parents made sure that sort of stuff wasn’t).  When it came to living a healthy lifestyle, my parents were great role models. They ate nutritious food, were always busy, rarely watched TV, and rarely ate out. Even though my father was overweight, he never seemed to fluctuate up and down. Both my older brother and I were big kids and I know they worried about us. They made sure we were always enrolled in sports and tried to monitor what we ate. When you are a kid, much like when you are an adult, you want what you can’t have. Not wanting to disappoint them, I started sneaking food or eating in private.  A habit that persisted well into my twenties and still lingers today.

 When I got older and started babysitting, I really started eating a lot of foods I wasn’t accustomed to and developed quite a taste for junk food. Along with the babysitting came money so I used it to buy chocolate and candy when I was out with my friends but made sure to eat it all before I got home. I am not sure what I thought would happen if my mom knew? Knowing her and her sweet tooth now, she probably would have just shared it with me! At the time though, I didn’t want to let my parents down. Once I started on the dieting roller-coaster in junior high, I was either in a state of feast or famine. I would go on these super strict diets that would be almost starving me (unbeknownst to my parents) until I couldn’t take it anymore and I would binge.

At school, while popular with my peers, there was a group of girls a year older than me that ruthlessly taunted me. I was very developed for my age and had breasts and curves at the age of 11. Within one week of starting junior high, they were calling me a whore, slut, fat pig and cow. I was shocked. I hadn’t done anything to precipitate it and had never been teased before. I couldn’t tell a teacher or my folks because if they got involved it would just make things worse. I thought if I lost weight, the teasing would stop hence why I joined Nutrasystem. I lost weight, the bullying intensified. I couldn’t even walk home from school with my friends without have insults hurled at me from the bus as they drove by on their way home. I felt constantly sick. I stopped eating the lunches my mom would pack me (god forbid they saw me actually eat). I even changed the route I walked home. The new route took me right past the grocery store. I got into the habit of stopping there and buying pastries. Many days I would also buy something like flour or baking soda so that the cashier would think I was doing groceries for my mom. I would stop at a little park, eat the pastries so fast I would barely taste them, throw out whatever else I picked up and head home. The food made me feel calm, it was my comfort.

I had made the emotional connection to food very early in life. I can actually remember the moment that it happened as clear as if it was yesterday:

My parents were in Ottawa for some medical appointments and I was staying with my grandparents. My nanny had made oxtail stew and I refused to eat it. Nanny was a strong woman and you didn’t mess with her so I got a spanking and sent upstairs without dinner. I remember crying and planning to run away but then my Gramps came up to see me. He quietly told me not to tell Nanny and pulled a box of Smarties AND a coffee crisp bar out of his pocket. I ate both candies so fast and immediately felt better.  

Now anyone who has a weight problem would probably agree that food is their friend. It comforts them when they are sad or hurt. It celebrates with them when they are happy. It calms them when they are angry. It keeps all of their secrets and asks nothing in return.  I figured out very early on that food makes you feel good and it became my coping mechanism. It was in that instant with my Gramps that I associated food with love and with taking away pain. To this day I use food to deal with my emotions but that is going to end now. It helped me through some hard times but it is a coping mechanism that no longer serves me. I believe that THIS is going to be my biggest challenge for 2013.

WOW some of this stuff is stuff I have never told anyone. Enough for today…time to take a big breath and find a non-food related way to deal with the anxiety I am feeling bubbling under the surface. Thanks again for your support if you are reading this, a million thanks….